


Sometimes life sucks, sometimes it doesn't

by JustASlytherin



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Evak won't be there in the beginning, Falling In Love, Friends With Benefits, I added some things to the plot, M/M, Many Flashbacks, follows Skam until it doesn't
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2018-11-02 23:55:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 32,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10955382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustASlytherin/pseuds/JustASlytherin
Summary: Isak knew Chris wasn't one for relationships. He was Penetrator Chris. Penetrator Chris who hooked up with at least one girl at every party he went too. And he went to a lot of parties.Isak wasn't sure what made him ignore all these facts and went for it. Went for Chris. Went for this friends with benefits thing. Well that's not what he should call it. He and Chris weren't friends. Chris made sure Isak knew that. Made sure Isak knew Chris could have somebody else with less than snipping his fingers.Isak still went for it.Until everything changed.





	1. Everything begins somewhere

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first story in this fandom and also the first story that has more than one chapter, that I write in English. English isn't my first language, so there will probably be some mistakes, I didn't notice...  
> However enjoy :)

Isak doesn't know when it started. Well that's not true. He knows. It was at this one party in the beginning of his first year. 

Isak doesn't know why it started. Well that's also not true. It was because he's desperate. 

Isak doesn't know what it is. Well actually he does. They fuck. That's it. He told Isak more than once. 

Isak doesn't know why he is doing it. Another lie. It makes him feel good. As long as he's not leaving. 

Isak doesn't know why it hurts. Again something that's not true. He is in love. Kind of. But Chris doesn't love him back. 

Isak knows all of this and still he feels like he knows nothing. 

He sights and covers his head in his hands.   
He's sitting on his bed and it's a day after. Again.   
He feels like shit. Again.   
He has no clue what he is doing. Again.   
He is helpless. Again.   
He is thinking about him. Again. 

Isak thinks back to the day or night it all started. If he only said no...

 

 

 _The room was filled with loud chatter and even louder music. He smelled the beer somebody spilled on the couch he was sitting on. He didn't mind._  
_In his hands he hold a beer himself, took a sip and looked around._  
_He knew almost none of the people around him. Jonas abandoned him shortly after they arrived to spend his evening with Eva. Isak felt like puking. As soon as Eva arrived Jonas didn't care about anything else and started to stick his tongue in Eva's mouth._

 _Most people around him were either dancing or making out. Or both. Disgusting._  
He took another sip. 

 _He didn't feel tipsy. He was over that hours ago._  
_Now he was drunk. Very drunk._  
_He didn't notice somebody was making their way towards him until they were in front of him._  
_The person reached out, grabbed Isak's wrist, pulled him up and dragged him after them._

 _Isak followed stumbling. There was no way he could walk straight._  
_The person lead him outside and when he was able to breathe fresh air for the first time in hours Isak realized who the other person was._  
_Chris._  
_Like in Christoffer Schistad._  
_Like in Penetrator Chris._  
_Like in one of the most popular boys at school._

 _Chris like in the boy who stopped walking as soon as they stood in front of a car. Chris' car._  
_Chris like in the boy who opened the passenger door and told Isak to get in._  
_Then he walked around the car to the driver's door and got in the car himself._  
_After both of them were sitting and closed their doors Chris started driving._

 _Isak didn't know what to think. He was too drunk to think straight. Otherwise he would have asked Chris if he was able to drive._  
_Chris may not be as drunk as Isak but he was far from sober._  
_It was almost a miracle they made it to a house where Chris stopped without an accident._  
_Chris parked and got out of the car._  
_Isak didn't know what to do, so he did the same._  
_Without words Chris walked towards the front door. Isak followed._  
_Chris opened the door signed Isak to get in and then took the stairs. Isak followed._  
_Guessing by the photos Isak saw on his way up, he was at Chris' home._  
_Chris guided Isak to a room. A bedroom._  
_They didn't speak._  
_The door closed behind them and Isak felt lips on his own and a body pressing his at the door. Isak kissed back._

 _He never felt something like this. Nothing so good._  
_His tongue playing with Chris', Chris hands on his body, in his hair and slowly finding their way under Isak's shirt._

 _Isak didn't know where this would end up. He didn't care. Not right now._  
_Now all he cared about were Chris' lips kissing down his neck._  
_When Isak moaned he felt Chris smiling, before he was biting in Isak's neck playfully._  
_Chris lips found their way to Isak's collarbone and his fingers now laid on Isak's shirt pulling it off quickly, so he could kiss him again._  
_Chris turned them around, now he was between Isak and the door and guided them to his bed without breaking the kiss._  
_Isak felt something hard pressing at his legs from behind and after a little push from Chris he found himself lying on a bed._

 _Isak opened his eyes for the first time since they were in here._  
_Chris stood in front of the bed, looking at him and smiled dirtily._  
_Next he got on the bed himself while taking off his shirt._  
_Isak stared at the boy who placed his hands next to Isak's head now and closed the distance between them._  
_'How can a human being be this hot?' was all he was able to think before something else occupied his thoughts._  
_Feeling Chris' lips on his own again Isak's eyes closed._  
_Soon the lips were gone and Isak could feel Chris' look at him. He didn't open his eyes._

 _When the lips touched him again they started kissing their way down from Isak's neck to his bellybutton. They were joined by two hands that touch almost every inch of his upper body._  
_Isak just laid there, breathing heavily, enjoying what Chris did to him. And maybe some moans left his mouth. Almost not loud enough to be heard._  
_Chris muffled them with his mouth again._

 _At first Isak was so distracted by Chris tongue that he realized what Chris hands were doing pretty late._  
_The other boy opened Isak's belt and jeans and pulled them down a bit._  
_Chris broke their kiss and his lips kissed their way down slowly. The same time with the same speed Chris hands pulled down Isak's jeans._  
_When he felt Chris pulling the rest of his jeans from his feet and throwing it away he opened his eyes again._  
_Chris was sitting above him, Isak's legs between his._  
_For a few seconds the looked each other in the eyes until Chris broke the eye contact to pull Isak's pants down as well._  
_He pulled them down slowly. Almost not at all. And he kissed all the skin that was free after._  
_Isak's eyes shut close again and little moans left his mouth._

 _Isak was hard. Probably he was for a long time. But he didn't recognize it._  
_For a short moment he was ashamed of himself. He was hard because of Chris. Because of another boy._  
_This brief moment was gone as fast as it came when he felt something hard press against his leg._  
_Chris was hard too._  
_Because of him._  
_Because of Isak._  
_Suddenly the body was gone._

 _Isak opened his eyes to look at the other boy, just to find him standing in front of the bed looking down at Isak._  
_A very naked Isak._  
_Isak was scared. What would the other do now? Would he throw him out? Or worse?_  
_When Chris opened his own jeans and got out of them Isak was relieved._  
_And happy he got to see more of the other._  
_A smile formed on Isak's lips. Probably the same that Chris smiled right now._  
_Knowingly, excited, turned on._  
_That's what it felt like for Isak._

 _Isak watched Chris getting on the bed again. Their eyes met and Chris stared at him while kind of crawling towards Isak._  
_Chris broke the eye contact when his head was the same high as Isak's crotch._  
_Chris leaned down and Isak knew what was going to happen._  
_Still, when Chris closed his mouth around Isak's penis, he was overwhelmed._  
_But it felt so good._  
_It was so good._  
_Isak's moans got louder bit they were nothing compared to the ones that left Chris mouth when their roles were exchanged and Isak was sucking Chris._  
_Isak enjoyed it._  
_Like what he was able to do to the other boy._  
_What he made him do._  
_What he made him feel._  
_What he made him say. Or moan._

 _When Isak woke up the next morning the other side of the bed was empty and cold._  
_Isak felt miserable. And this wasn't because of his hangover._  
_Isak collected his clothes and got dressed. He was still able to smell the alcohol and the smoke from the night before._  
_He opened the door, got in the hallway and walked down the stairs._  
_He remembered how he got them up the night before and started to feel sick._  
_What did he thought? Nothing._  
_What would happen if Chris told anybody? He probably wouldn't, because he was afraid of the reactions he would get. Or ashamed that it was Isak it happened with._  
_Isak opened the front door, got out and closed it as silent as possible._  
_Outside he saw Chris' car. The other was definitely still home._  
_Isak left as fast as he could._  
_When he got home the first thing he did was taking a shower. A long shower._  
_That definitely didn't last that long because Isak broke down in tears during it. Definitely not._

 

 

The problem is: Isak said nothing. Not one word during the whole night.   
Not one word other than moaned names or other words of pleasure to show the other he liked what he was doing. How much he liked it, left their lips.   
Except for Chris' 'Get in' when they left the party. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to resist the urge to upload this chapter a few days ago, because I wanted to have one or two chapters after this finished, before uploading it. Now I have some I could upload, so I can take my time with writing. I will still write of course but in case I'm not in the mood to or whatever, I have something I could upload without it taking too long...  
> I don't know if that was understandable I feel like it isn't... (English-wise)


	2. Everything happens twice

Isak is angry. At himself. Like he always is when he thinks back to this night.   
He should have asked what Chris was up to.   
He should have stayed at the party.   
He should have broken their first kiss.   
He should have said no.   
He should have stayed the next morning.   
He should have talked to Chris.   
He should have insisted on an explanation.   
But he didn't. That's why he is in this situation now. 

Isak thinks back to their first interaction after this one night.   
They saw each other in school before but Isak ignored Chris.   
Acted as everything was alright.   
As nothing ever happened.   
Chris did the same.   
So when they were confronted with each other at this party Isak didn't know what to do. 

It was almost like at the last party Isak went to.   
Loud chatter besides him. Even louder music. He had a beer in his hands. The only thing different was, Isak was standing leaning against a wall and not sitting on a couch.   
And he wasn't as drunk as the last time. 

 

 

 _He stood there since Jonas abandoned him once again to be with Eva and slowly drank his beer._  
_He was looking at the crowd in front of him._  
_His eyes looked around, searching this one person he hadn't seen all night. There was no way Chris wouldn't come here and would miss the party._  
_Isak's eyes didn't find Chris but they found William. William who seemed to arrive at the party right now. And when William was there, Chris was near him._  
_Isak was right. The moment he thought this, a few other penetrators appeared behind William. Of course Chris was one of them._  
_Isak saw Chris smiling while saying something to the others and then walked away from them._  
_Judging by the dirty looks on the other boys faces Isak knew what Chris probably said._  
_Isak sighed. There was no way he could talk to Chris this night._

 _Isak didn't enjoy himself at the party. All he did was getting drunk and look at people. Judging them._  
_When he thought it was time for him to leave, he started to look fr Jonas and/or Eva to tell them. He found neither of them._  
_But he found him._  
_He found Chris._  
_With his tongue in a random girls mouth._  
_The same tongue that did these things to him. These things he couldn't stop thinking about._  
_Isak left. He fled._  
_On his way outside he felt eyes on his back. He didn't turn around._

 _"Isak!" Somebody called his name as he walked down the street._  
_He knew the voice._  
_He knew who it belonged to._  
_He didn't stop._  
_He didn't turn around._  
_Isak was still able to hear the loud music from the party that took place just a few houses behind him._  
_He wanted to get away. As fast as he could._  
_"Isak!" Chris called for him again and this time it sounded nearer._  
_He was right. A hand touched his shoulder forcing him to stop._  
_Isak didn't turn around. Didn't want to look him in the eyes._

 _"Isak. Can you just..." Chris voice sounded insecure. Was he nervous? Why should Chris be nervous? While speaking to him?_  
_Isak didn't respond. He didn't speak. He didn't turn around. He just stood there not reacting to the other boy at all._  
_When Chris realized Isak wouldn't respond he took a few steps, so he would stand in front of Isak._  
_Isak looked at the ground. Avoiding Chris' gaze._  
_"Isak look at me." Chris asked him to._  
_Isak didn't._  
_So he felt a hand under his chin forcing him to look up._  
_Chris was hot. He was looking at Isak and it seemed as if he didn't know what to do next._  
_Then he leaned down and Chris lips touched Isak's._  
_Isak didn't know what to do, so he kissed back._  
_Their tongues touched, Isak's hands were in Chris' hair, Chris' hands on Isak's hips and Isak couldn't think about something except the body pressed against his._  
_So when they broke apart Isak remembered where they were. He could hear the music and he realized somebody could have seen them._  
_When he looked at Chris and saw him smiling Isak blushed._  
_They could have been caught._  
_Chris didn't seem to care about this fact. He stood in front of Isak looking at him with this smile._  
_Isak couldn't believe what left Chris' lips now:_  
_"My parents are home but maybe we could go to your place?"_  
_Isak didn't know what to say. His parents were out, so the house would be empty but did he want this to happen?_  
_Isak nodded._

_"I didn't drive here. William took me. So we have to walk." Isak nodded again to show the other he understood and began walking towards his home.  
Chris followed. _

_The walk felt like the car drive the last time._  
_They didn't talk._  
_They didn't look at each other._  
_They didn't touch._  
_Isak knew what happened the last time but he wasn't sure what to expect this time._

 _They arrived at Isak's house and he opened the door._  
_He thought back to the last time when Chris was the one opening the door and Isak just stood next to him._  
_It was weird their roles turned around but as soon as the door closed behind them it was like the last time._  
_Chris lips pressed against his. The kiss was hot. Hotter than the one they shared a few minutes ago._  
_Isak was the one guiding Chris to his room this time._  
_Both of them lost most of their clothes in Isak's room between the door and Isak's bed. Their kiss only broke while they were taking of their shirts._

_It was odd how similar the whole thing felt to the last time and simultaneously it was so different._

_Isak was lying on his back on his bed with Chris above him._  
_The whole situation felt so surreal even though it happened once before._  
_Chris' lips were back on his own._  
_Chris' hands were everywhere._  
_Isak was dizzy._ _Chris made him dizzy._

 _Chris' kisses felt more insistent. They were hungrier for more. For more from Isak._  
_It was more intense._  
_Every time Chris touched him, Chris' hands left goose bumps all over Isak's body._  
_Isak wanted more. Was begging for more._  
_Chris grinned at the reaction he got and willingly started to do what Isak was requesting._  
_Isak never felt as good in his life as with Chris._  
_With Chris touching him._  
_With Chris kissing him._  
_With Chris making him moan._  
_With Chris moaning himself._  
_With Chris making Isak come._  
_With Chris coming himself._  
_With Chris spooning him after their orgasms._  
_With Chris kissing his cheek._  
_With Chris falling asleep next to him._

 _Isak never felt as miserable in his life as when he woke up the next morning._  
_Without the warmth next to him._  
_Without Chris' arms around him._  
_Without Chris touching him._  
_Without Chris kissing his cheek._  
_Without Chris sleeping next to him._  
_Waking up on a bed which was cold on one side._  
_Alone._

 

 

He should have never gone to that party.   
The next morning it was the same as usual. Him. Only him.   
Isak tries to get the feeling away. Out of his mind. He can't.   
It's even worse when he hears noises from the kitchen.   
Noises made by his parents. Like the morning after. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, we finally got the next part of Skam <3  
> I don't know what else to write...  
> Well thanks to all of you for reading, I guess.


	3. Everything feels different but still the same

Isak thinks how weird it is that during the first two times they hooked up he didn't say anything. Except for the words that left his mouth in between moans. But they don't count.   
The first time he actually said something to Chris at one of these nights was the third time it happened.   
While being fully dressed.   
The memory makes Isak smile a little. 

 

_Isak's eyes met his. Chris' eyes. They looked into each other's eyes through all this distance until Chris nodded slightly towards the door and left._  
_For Isak this was the sign to follow Chris, what he did._  
_He left the house through the front door but didn't see Chris there._  
_Panic hit him at first but then he walked searchingly on the sidewalk._  
_A few houses down the street Isak was able to see Chris' car with the other boy next to it._  
_As soon as Chris saw him a grin formed on his lips._  
_Isak's heart started racing. He was nervous. But he tried not to show it to Chris._  
_It worked, Isak believed._

_"Hey" Chris greeted him when Isak arrived in front of him and stopped awkwardly._  
_"Hey."_  
_"Oh. So it does speak. I mean other than 'Yes, there' and 'Faster' or 'That's so good' while moaning." Chris began to laugh and Isak felt his face getting hot._  
_Now he stood in front of a moaning Chris and blushed. Great. That's not how he expected his night to be._  
_Well not in this context._  
_He didn't mind Chris moaning in front of him. Just not in that scenario._  
_"Are your parents home?" Chris asked him after he calmed himself down. Isak knew were this was leading._  
_"What time is it?" Isak's parents went out to eat at some friends place and probably drink after. He wasn't sure when they would be back but mostly when this happens they wouldn't come home before midnight._  
_Chris got out his phone to check the time._  
_"22:27" He replied then and looked at Isak._  
_"Don't think so." Isak shook his head to answer Chris previous question._  
_"Great." Chris ginned widely and wiggled his eyebrows. Then he turned to his car and opened the passenger door._  
_"Get in" He told Isak who followed the instructions._

_It was like the night they hooked up for the first time. Even Chris' words were the same._  
_Sure Isak spoke himself this night, wasn't nearly as drunk as the first time and he was sure Chris' was neither (so he felt quite safe with Chris driving) but the atmosphere was the same._  
_The first time Isak wasn't able to get what it was but this time he was._  
_It was exciting and hot but also familiar._  
_Isak didn't know if this was good or bad._  
_Like the two times before they didn't speak or touched but Isak glazed over to Chris a few times to find the older looking at the street - luckily._

_Chris stopped in front of Isak's house, both of them got out and Isak opened the front door._  
_Giving his father's car missing he knew they would have the house to themselves._  
_This time Isak wasn't pressed against a door by Chris but he grabbed Isak's wrist and dragged him with him._  
_Isak had almost forgotten that Chris had been here before, mainly because he avoided thinking back to the morning after, so he was a bit surprised for a second when Chris opened the door to his room._  
_Chris pulled his own shirt over his head and then did the same with Isak's. Chris looked at Isak's body for a while and Isak felt himself blushing again._  
_Then Chris grinned this one grin again he always gave Isak in these situations, pulled Isak closer and they kissed for the first time this night._  
_Isak was glad Chris was there to hold him 'cause he felt his knees getting weak._  
_However Chris hands moved from Isak's hip to his belt and opened it. Isak got a bit closer to Chris to steady himself._  
_He felt Chris lips turned into a smile, so Isak took a moment to stop kissing him and look at him._  
_He couldn't believe what they were doing. To think it wasn't the first time this happened made it all even more unbelievable._  
_Before he was able to question why Chris would spend so much time with him he felt Chris' lips and his tongue playing with his own again._

_Isak didn't know how they lost the rest of their clothes or how they landed on his bed but suddenly he found himself lying there naked with a likewise naked Chris above him. Again._  
_Moans left both of their mouths and soon enough Isak was begging for more again._  
_"What do you want me to do? Tell me what you want." He heard Chris whisper in his ear and then kissing the thin skin under it._  
_"I - Oh god - want you to-" Isak's words were interrupted by his own moaning when Chris' lips touched his nipple._  
_"Yeah?" Chris' breath hit his nipple and Isak got goose bumps._  
_He wanted to answer but Chris kissing down from his nipple to his crotch distracted him shortly._  
_"I want you to - to - to fuck me." Isak was glad as he finally spitted those words out. He never said these words. Well Chris ended up doing it anyways, so there was no need for them._  
_Now all Isak needed to focus on was Chris. Not speaking._  
_"If you want it so bad, I think I could do you this favor." Chris laughed a little which got him a very weak hit by Isak. Isak didn't have the strength for more._  
_Still Isak didn't complain when Chris said following:_  
_"If you want my dick inside you so badly, who I am to say no to that?"_  
_And when Isak actually got Chris' dick inside him there was no more talking._  
_Just lips on lips._  
_Lips on skin._  
_Skin on skin._  
_Sweat and lots of moaning._

_Heavy breathing from both of them after they reached their climaxes and Chris collapsed on Isak._  
_Now Chris was lying on Isak, his head covered in the pillow that showed above Isak's shoulder._  
_That's when Isak heard the noise. Made by his parents when they got home._  
_Chris turned his head, so he faced Isak and looked at his cheek._  
_"Who's that?" His voice wasn't loud, still it hit Isak._  
_"My parents." Isak responded and they went back to silence. Until Chris stared laughing._  
_"Guess we can be happy they didn't arrive five minutes ago."_  
_Chris said it so casually and the situation was so weird Isak joined in on his laughter._  
_Imaging his parents getting home from a night out with friends or at a friend's place (Whatever. Isak didn't care.) and hearing their son and a boy they didn't know being a bit more than friends would have been weird. For all of them._

_Chris snuggled a bit closer, his head still resting on Isak's shoulder and pulled his left arm around Isak._  
_Isak turned his head to look at Chris to find his eyes shut. Since Chris' lips were kissing Isak's neck - the only part of Isak he could reach without having to move -  gently now Isak knew Chris wasn't asleep._  
_"Go to sleep and stop moving around this much." Chris muttered sleepily and Isak couldn't hold back a smile. This Chris could almost been described as cute. Almost. If he didn't look like he just fucked - which he did but it kind of destroyed the cuteness and made him hot again._  
_Still having a smile on his lips Isak fell asleep._

_There was no weight on his body when he woke up._  
_There was no warmth._  
_No body._  
_No lips._  
_But a little part in Isak hoped. Just to find these hopes destroyed as soon as he opened his eyes._  
_He was the only one in the bed. In his room._  
_All the clothes on the door were his own._  
_There was nothing left of Chris._  
_Except for the smell on Isak's pillow._  
_The miserable feeling was back again._

 

After that Isak should have ended it. He didn't. So now he is all alone in his bed thinking about Chris. Like always.   
He feels miserable. Like always.   
Thinks he's not worth staying. Not for Chris to stay at least.   
And maybe there is a tears falling from his eye. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't want to upload this so soon but I got two really nice comments on the last chapter and this one was already finished and waiting to be uploaded, so I thought 'Why not' and here it is. Hope you like it :)


	4. Everything changes and stays the same

Given his first three experiences with Chris, Isak probably wouldn't be on the point he is right now.   
Sure the sex was good but that's it.   
With these three times it would have been easy for Isak to stay with a no strings attached thing. Or maybe not. He doesn't know what would have happened if the fourth time didn't happen. Maybe he would have fallen for Chris anyways. 

 

Are you coming tonight?

_That's what the text read._

No. 

_That's what Isak replied._

_He didn't need an explanation to know what Chris was referring to.  
With Chris it was mostly parties and Isak knew exactly which one he would go to tonight. _

Why not?

My mother's birthday. 

Shame.

 _Isak looked at this one word. He would need way more than that to describe what he was feeling right now._  
_It was something good. That's all he knew._  
_Chris actually wanted him to come?_  
_Isak didn't reply._

 _Isak didn't like spending time with his parents._  
_His mother wasn't fine. Mentally speaking._  
_Isak knew._  
_His father knew._  
_His mother didn't._  
_Nobody addressed it._  
_So after spending the whole evening with his parents he was exhausted. He was lying in his bed, starring at the ceiling not moving at all._  
_When his phone vibrated to show him he received a new text, he jumped._  
_He didn't know what to expect when he opened the text, not knowing who it was._  
_The person he was texting mostly was Jonas and he knew better than to text him today._  
_It was Chris._  
_That was weird but the actual text was even weirder._

I'm outside.   
Open the door for me?

 _Isak didn't know what to think at that. Probably a wrong number text. Anyways he got up and went downstairs as quiet as he could, so his parents wouldn't wake up._  
_He opened the front door to find Chris standing there._  
_Isak was surprised and speechless._  
_"So, am I allowed to come in?" Chris asked after he realized Isak would just stand there._  
_Isak didn't answer. Isak didn't do anything._  
_"Isak?" Chris tried to get his attention but all Isak did was step aside to let him in._  
_He closed the door behind Chris and still was unable to speak, so he just looked at Chris._  
_"Are you okay?"_  
_Isak shrugged._  
_"Are we back again to you not talking to me?"_  
_"I- I'm sorry. Wasn't a good day..."_  
_"Don't be. It's not your fault I wasn't here before, so of course your day wasn't good." Chris smiled at him and nudged Isak's shoulder in an attempt to cheer him up._  
_Isak smiled weakly. A fake smile. Chris noticed._  
_"Why don't we go upstairs?"_  
_Isak nodded and not much later they stood in Isak's room._

_It was awkward. By this time Chris' lips always were on Isak's. This time they weren't._

_By this time Chris would tell him how much he loved fucking him. This time he didn't._  
_Instead Chris sat on Isak's bed tapping on the empty space next to him._  
_"Come here." Chris voice was soft and his hand reached out for Isak, so Isak did what he wanted._  
_As soon as he sat down Chris arm was around his shoulders and pulled him back towards the wall, for them to lean at._  
_Chris arm stayed were is was._  
_"What's wrong? You wrote it was your mother's birthday."_  
_"It is. Or was. Probably. It's just-" Isak sighed. Should he tell Chris? Until this day Jonas was the only one who knew._  
_"What is it?" Chris hand that was resting on Isak's shoulder now left to touch Isak's right cheek. Chris gently pushed his face down a little, so Isak's head could lie on his shoulder._  
_The whole scene was so intimate, the words busted out of Isak._  
_"My mother isn't healthy. Not mentally. I don't know what it is but it's bad. Normally I avoid her as much as I can but today I couldn't. I just- I feel helpless. You know?" Chris pulled him closer. Placed a kiss on his hair._  
_"It just got too much. And my father doesn't seem to care at all. It's... Difficult..."_  
_"Difficult?" Chris repeated. "I'd bet. It's not your fault."_  
_"I know, just-" Isak didn't know what to say. So he lifted his head looked at Chris who had turned his face towards Isak and said:_  
_"Can you just make me forget it? At least tonight."_  
_This time it was Isak initiating the first kiss of the night._

 _It was different. Different from the nights before._  
_Normally Chris would be the one initiating everything, this time it was Isak._  
_Normally they would share a few hot kisses and then get other body parts more attention, this time they kissed for almost the whole time._  
_Normally they had rough sex, this time it was softer, almost romantic._  
_Normally they did it to get to their orgasms, this time Isak felt loved._  
_He knew Chris didn't love him but he felt like it and that was what he needed._

 _Both of them were sweaty, neither of them minded. They lied, cuddling with each other, in Isak's bed._  
_Isak was abusing Chris' chest as a pillow, having one arm around Chris' upper body. Chris' arms were wrapped tight around Isak hugging him and pressing him even closer on Chris' chest._  
_Isak never felt anything quite like this in his entire life._  
_He never felt this safe._  
_This loved._  
_This happy._  
_"Why did you come?" Isak asked while enjoying having Chris this near._  
_" I thought it would be a good idea. And it turned out to be true."_  
_"So you didn't find the right girl to hook up with?" Isak knew about the girls. Chris hooks up with at least one girl per party. That was well known, so of course he knew. He didn't mind._  
_"No, I didn't find the right person." Chris confirmed Isak's guess._  
_"And that is 'cause?" Isak actually didn't want to hear Chris' answer but he needed distraction from his parents. And he wanted to keep lying like this. Cuddled against Chris. He liked it._  
_"You weren't there." Chris' voice was so soft now, Isak thought, he didn't really understand what Chris said and misheard it. The kiss pressed against his temple was a proof against Isak's theory._  
_There was nothing following from Chris after this statement, so Isak asked:_  
_"What?"_  
_"Compared to you all of the others were boring."_

 _Isak's stomach turned, which was an unknown feeling for him. He probably was blushing and had a big grin on his face. whatever the state he was in right now was, Isak liked the feeling. It was exciting and he wanted Chris to keep talking._  
_Chris had something else in his mind._  
_With a hand under Isak's chin he brought Isak's mouth so high, he was able to kiss him comfortably._  
_The kiss was sweet, sweeter than all of the ones they shared before and after they broke apart Isak grinned even more. He looked at Chris for a second, to see the same expression on the other one's face to. Then he rested his head on Chris' chest again, to get as much of the other he could have._  
_Chris' hand moved to his hair going through them until Isak fell asleep._  
_Normally Chris was the first to sleep, this time it was Isak._  
_By this time Isak would think about Chris' words about them fucking and nothing more, this time he didn't have to. Chris didn't say something like that._

 _The next morning Isak woke up in a half empty bed._  
_Again._  
_He hoped it would be different this time. After the last night was so different than the others. So special._  
_Chris didn't share his opinion._  
_Normally it hurt when he woke up alone, this time it tore Isak's heart in two._

_Hearing the noises made by his parents it only reminded him of his vulnerability the night before. Without the shitty night he went through, there was no way everything the night before would have happened the same way._

 

This was the night Isak fell in love.   
Looking back at it now, Isak wishes he would have never opened the door.   
Never let Chris in.   
In his house and his heart.   
That's when the tears finally are starting to fall. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter changes the game a bit (Yeah, genius, that's what the title says)  
> And now you can probably guess where we are, speaking of the timeline...  
> I got really nice feedback on the last chapter, so thanks again to you guys :)


	5. Everything breaks

The tears are streaming down his face now and he can't do anything to stop them. The more he tries, the more tears came out.   
The worst thing about what he and Chris have is Isak doesn't know what he means to him.   
He knows Chris isn't in love with him or some shit like that but they're not friends with benefits either. To be that, you have to be friends. And whatever is between them isn't friendship.   
Isak knows what he is feeling. Realized it a week after this fatal night. Or even before. Or maybe before, it was just a suspicion. 

 

_Eva wanted to meet him. Isak didn't know why. But he needed to get out of home and get Chris out of his mind, so he agreed to meet Eva at this cafe. He was running a bit late, so he texted her and when he finally showed up at the cafe it didn't take him long to find Eva. She was kind enough not to mention him being late, so he sat down._  
_Eva ordered coffee for both of them and Isak took a sip out of his._  
_He knew there was more to this than coffee and when she asked him what he did with his weekend the suspicion grew._  
_"Nothing" was his reply but his thought went back to him and Chris cuddling._  
_She specified her question asking him about Friday._  
_"It was my mom's birthday." Not a lie._  
_"So you just were home?"_  
_"Yeah." Neither was this. There was no need for her to know about Chris and what they had been doing. Or about how Isak feels when he thinks about Chris._  
_Before Eva asked more he wanted to know of something happened on Friday._  
_As he knew there was a reason for her to ask. Jonas. Of course._  
_This was at obvious as Isak totally knowing what was going on between Jonas and Ingrid but he couldn't tell Eva. It was Jonas choice to tell her._  
_So he said something about her being with someone she didn't trust._  
_He trusted Chris, he thought to himself. This wasn't a lie. Not a real one._  
_He trusted Chris enough to have sex._  
_He trusted Chris not to tell anything._  
_He trusted Chris so much he told him about his family._  
_However he didn't trust Chris not to hurt him._  
_Him and Eva spent some time in the cafe until their ways parted again. Isak went home without knowing what Eva would do. He didn't care._  
_At the evening he received another text from Chris._

You're coming to the party on Friday?

_Friday. Halloween. Isak didn't like this shit. Also he didn't want to see Chris. Not until he knew what this feeling was that he got while thinking about him._

No. 

_The same answer Isak gave Chris to his last invitation. Again without an explanation and this time Chris didn't ask for one. In fact Chris didn't reply at all._

_The next day at school he saw Chris speaking to Eva and her new friends. He didn't know they knew each other._

_Friday was there sooner than he expected it to come. He spent the evening playing video games and not leaving his room. Until, well until his phone buzzed showing him he received a new message._  
_He unlocked his phone, so he could read the text._

What you're doing?

Video games.

Want company?

_Did Isak? He wasn't sure. He thought back to last Sunday and his talk with Eva. When he thought, she knew something and thought about Chris, he had this feeling he had right now too.  
As soon as he read Chris' second text his lips formed into a huge smile and he got excited. Isak's heart started racing. He told himself to play it cool and not to look desperate._  

Yeah. Why not. 

Then open the door. 

_Isak stared at the text for a few seconds. Chris was already here? Was he so sure about Isak wanting to see him?_  
_If it was possible, Isak's heartbeat got even faster. He jumped off his bed and stormed towards the door. Before he opened it though he took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down. He didn't want to show up in front of Chris too soon. He didn't want to look too desperate._  
_When he left his room and got to the hallway he was calmer. On the outside. On the inside it was even worse than before and it got worse with every step he took._  
_Taking a final breath he opened the front door to find Chris standing there._  
_Chris who was smiling at him._  
_Chris who wore eyeliner because of his costume._  
_Chris who never looked that hot before._  
_Isak's heart was beating even faster and louder now and his mouth opened a little._  
_Isak wasn't able to say anything since Chris' lips were on his already._

_This time Chris got in the house while kissing Isak and slamming the door shut with his foot. They walked up the stairs in Isak's room without breaking apart. Chris closed the door to Isak's room the same way he closed the front door. They fell onto Isak's bed still kissing and still fully dressed what Chris started to change now._  
_He lifted Isak's shirt a bit, kissed the skin on his belly that was revealed and worked his way up like this until Isak's shirt was off._  
_It didn't take long before the fabric covering their bodies and parting them from each other was gone._  
_"My parents are home." Isak managed to get out when Chris was kissing and licking his way down towards Isak's crotch._  
_"Kinky." Chris laughed a little, absolutely sexy laugh and his face appeared in front of Isak's again._  
_"I just mean we can't be that loud." Isak looked into Chris' eyes trying to show him how important it was._  
_"No problem for me. You're the one, you should worry about. Oh and by the way, what you just said made it kinkier." Chris smiled, gave Isak a quick peck on the lips and then went down again to continue what he was doing before Isak distracted him._  
_Isak didn't lie. He liked it. He enjoyed it. And if it weren't for Chris covering Isak's mouth with his hand while Isak was coming, one of his parents would have walked in on them, asking if Isak was fine. Well his father maybe would have. His mother wouldn't._

_"See? I told you I'm not the one you should worry about." Chris broke the silence between them after he caught his breath._  
_They were cuddled against each other enjoying the aftermath of their orgasms._  
_That comment made Isak smile. Chris always made him smile._  
_"You should have come to the party. I was bored without you." Chris said while pulling Isak in an even tighter hug._  
_"As if you would have talked to me." Chris never did as long as they weren't alone. Not at parties. Not at school. Sure you could say it was partly Isak's fault since he tried to avoid Chris at these places but Isak liked to think of it as entirely Chris' fault._  
_"I would. But you don't seem to want me to." Chris was right. Isak didn't. Most of the time._  
_"Well every time you talk to me we end up kissing and having sex. Don't want that to happen in front of people at a party or at school."_  
_"I wouldn't mind." Chris responded and this comment didn't surprise Isak. He knew Chris was open when it came to kissing and maybe going a bit further but he was surprised about the fact Chris didn't seem to care about Isak being a boy either._  
_"Well maybe about the sex thing. I would prefer keeping your body all to myself. But I wouldn't care about kissing you. If people want to stare, let them. We're hot, you know?" Chris grinned and Isak knew he was thinking about something dirty._  
_Isak sighed._  
_"Of course you don't..." But Isak did. Isak cared. He cared about the reaction he would get if people thought he was gay - which he wasn't - he was scared._  
_"Hey. I'm not saying we should do it. Not when you're not comfortable to." Chris' voice had the soft tone again, it had when they spoke the last time. Last week._  
_Isak's heart melted at this sound._

_Isak enjoyed the moments like this the most. Their sex was good, sure, but he preferred these little moments of them cuddling after. It was something intimate, cute, good and it felt so fucking perfect. Like it was meant to be like this. Like it always was meant to be like this._  
_Isak never felt as good as he felt in these moments. In those he only felt pure happiness._  
_Chris made him happy. Happier than anybody else. That scared Isak. He never experimented something like that. Never felt like that._  
_If Isak was completely honest with himself, he knew what he was feeling for Chris. But he also knew Chris didn't feel the same. Isak was starting to fall in love with Chris and Chris saw him as a friend. Not more. If he saw Isak as a friend. Isak hoped. That would be better than being the guy Chris fucks from time to time._  
_And if Isak wasn't so afraid he would know he didn't start to fall in love with Chris, he already was._  
_It probably started as soon as he saw him for the first time and got worse with every kiss, every touch, every word. Every night._  
_But none were as bad as the last night they fucked._  
_This night Chris had been nice, considerate, careful, fondly, gentle. He was what Isak wanted. Made Isak feel loved._

_All the positive feelings he felt in that moment turned bad the next morning._  
_Except for the first night, Isak always woke up alone. But he hoped Chris wouldn't leave this time. Hoped Chris would have felt the same. A connection between them. Something special._  
_Chris was gone. And he took all the good feelings with him._  
_Isak didn't feel loved anymore. He felt alone. Not just alone. He was lonely. Felt sad. Hated._  
_Isak didn't know how he could have ended up where he was, so he started to think back._

 

Isak is sitting on his bed, tears still leaving his eyes. He doesn't know where he stands with Chris. They aren't dating, Chris hooks up with girls, then comes to Isak to fuck him and Isak lets him. That's what they're doing. Nothing more. No feelings. Not from Chris. Isak is glad when he falls asleep from exhaustion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what to write here... Thanks for the comments, Kudos and Bookmarks I got :D  
> And maybe I'm a little bit sorry... No, not really :)


	6. Everything hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So one of the tags is that this follows Skam, so it has to happen somewhere aka now...

When he wakes up the next morning he doesn't want to get up. He doesn't want to go to school either.   
Sometimes you wake up with the feeling it's not going to be a good day. This was one of these days.   
But it wasn't necessarily better to stay at home, so he got up anyways. 

Isak should have stayed home. The day started bad with him almost missing the train and when he got to school it got even worse.   
There was a rumour about Chris. People say he hooked up with somebody at the Halloween party. Something inside Isak broke.   
His Chris, who wasn't his Chris at all, hooked up with a girl on Friday. Before he got to Isak's.   
And that rumor wasn't the thing ruining his day entirely.   
Neither was standing next to Eva and Jonas while Eva tried to swallow Jonas face and meanwhile having to avoid looking at girl Chris who kept sucking on a plastic spoon while trying to meet his eyes.   
Isak felt awkward. He was grossed out.   
When Eva finally released Jonas tongue again he was glad Jonas and him were able to leave the situation. 

The worst thing is happening right now.   
They went to a skate park after school and Isak noticed Eva being a little down, so he tried to cheer her up and sat down next to her.   
Right now he is trying to start a conversation.   
He doesn't know how to start but her observing Jonas gives him a good topic. Eva always likes to talk about Jonas.   
However something about her reaction is odd. He sends her a questioning look and she opens up about what's going on.   
At first Isak thinks she is overdramatizing the whole thing when she says this could ruin Jonas' and her relationship but then she actually tells him.   
"I hooked up with Chris."  
The color leaves Isak's face and he can only think:  
'No. This can't be happening.'  
What he says is different.   
He repeated what she said questioning her a little. He hopes for her to say she said the wrong name or he misunderstood. But she doesn't.   
Still there is a little hope left for him. 

"The girl who keeps eye fucking me?" He makes a joke of it, laughing while asking her, so she doesn't notice how much she hurts him with her words.   
The pain Isak feels gets even worse when she describes Chris.   
"Chris from third year. Christoffer."  
Isak's heart hurts like somebody just stabbed him right through it, turned it around a little, just to slowly pulling it out again and leaving him behind bleeding.   
He tries not to show his feelings to anyone and does a decent job with it since Eva doesn't seem to notice anything. 

"So you hooked up with a third year?" And you slept with a third year, Isak. Multiple times.   
The situation is awkward. Eva probably feels the same about it and she only knows half to the story.   
Isak wants to know what exactly had happened between Eva and Chris, so he asked her.   
If it was more than kissing, Chris would have told him, right? Probably not. But Isak likes to pretend.   
Eva confirms nothing else happened and Isak feels slightly better. A tiny bit.   
What he tells her next is something he really means.   
It would have been different if it had meant something. For Isak especially.   
Isak starts to ramble. In between he tries to get another confirmation that Eva and Chris only hooked up. Nothing more.   
He gets it but he doesn't feel better.   
He tells her it'll be fine and hopes his words will be true - for both of them.   
Their conversation ends with Eva thanking and hugging him.   
When she thanks him Isak says the first thing that came into his mind.   
"For what?" For lying to her? For feeling bad but not because she betrayed his best friend but for hooking up with Chris? For judging her for it?  
Isak doesn't know.   
All he know is he wants to shake her off him when she hugs him. He doesn't want to touch her.   
Not after what she did.    
This day he is almost glad to be able to go back home.   
Chris sends him a text in the evening.   
Isak doesn't reply. 

The following days it's almost the same. He receives a text by Chris in the evening, he reads it, sends no reply and gets another one.   
Friday is different. On Friday he already received a text from Chris when he wakes up and looks on his phone to know how late (or early) it is. 

_Whatever you hear don't believe everything people say._

Isak doesn't know where to put this text.   
Well that's not quite true. Something he could hear that is so interesting for Chris he texted him, can only be something about Chris. Isak exactly knows what this text is about. He is the one initiating Iben to find out about Eva and Chris.   
Of course Isak knows Chris has a girlfriend. Who doesn't?   
And maybe he feels bad about what he did but he can't undo what already happened.   
He doesn't know why he sent Iben tips about Eva. He does to be honest. He wanted to get back at Chris. Wanted to hurt him. Like Chris hurt him. Like Chris hurts him. And before he could clearly think about the cons and pros of sending the tips it already happened. 

Isak knows he isn't the one to judge Eva for which she did. She only kissed Chris. He had sex with Chris. That made a huge difference. But Isak wasn't in a relationship, especially not with his best friend. Also it wasn't Isak who was the bad guy here. This was Chris. Chris cheated on his girlfriend. Not Isak. 

When Isak arrives at the school the rumor was already spread. People are talking about it as if it is the most important thing in the world. Ridiculous.   
Nobody says something about the girl Chris hooked up with though. Maybe they don't know? Isak feels a bit relieved. Maybe he didn't fuck up too bad after all.   
He did.   
Everybody at school said Iben was furious but he didn't think it would be that bad.   
She was cheated on, so of course she was hurt but he didn't think it would be such a big deal. Didn't think she would go that far.   
He didn't think she would attack Eva. Physically. At school. In front of other people. And not that other people had to pull her away from Eva.   
Isak feels bad. Awful. There was no word to explain how much he regrets what he has done. 

The hurt look Jonas gives him when he finds out breaks Isak's heart. Guilty couldn't come near to what he feels.   
He told Eva Jonas shouldn't find out through somebody else. He is the one who took the chance of Eva telling him herself away from them.   
Because of Chris.   
Because of what Chris makes him feel.   
Because Chris doesn't feel the same for him. 

Jonas doesn't talk about what happened between Eva and Chris. Isak is glad he doesn't. Otherwise he'd have to deal with more feelings of guilt and he wouldn't be able to try to think about something other than what happened between Eva and Chris.   
This way he doesn't have to see Jonas hurt and won't start hating himself for what he did.   
The worst thing about it is he is kind of happy about how things turned out. Chris has no girlfriend anymore and he was able to show him what consequences his hook ups have.   
He knows Chris probably doesn't care about it but he likes to believe he means something to Chris. Their sex means something to Chris.   
When he sees Chris for the first time this day he knows Chris doesn't care about it. He's not interested in people talking about him. He just walks around in school as self confident as ever.   
Isak feels even worse.   
Chris doesn't care about what he does he just continues with his life. Isak wonders how he would react if people found out about them. Would Chris still be like this?   
At the same time Isak knows he will never see how Chris will react. Chris never talks about his hook ups.   
Isak won't tell himself and Chris knows that. 

Going home this day feel easy. Unlike so many other times. The door to his room closes behind him and Isak is relieved. He lets everything behind the door. The hurt looks on Jonas and Eva's eyes, Chris not showing how he truly feels, his guilt, his mother and the things people say about Eva at school.   
He forgets about it shortly until he goes to bed. Before he tried everything to take his mind away from the thoughts, he didn't want to have right now. He was able to get his mind clear for some time. But lying on his bed waiting to be tired enough to fall asleep doesn't need a lot of other things in his head. So everything he tried to forget about is back.   
Isak feels worse than in the morning. For Eva and Jonas things will never get like they were before. He ruined it for them. For his best friends. 'Cause he was jealous. And the person responsible for his jealousy - Chris - doesn't care about what happened at all. That's what it feels like at least.   
His phone buzzes next to him, thinking it could be a distraction from his thoughts he takes it, unlocks the screen to see a new text. From Chris. 

_I want you to lie next to me now._

Isak doesn't answer. He locks the phone again and puts it down to where it was before.   
Isak got a few confusing texts in his life before but none of them were that bad.   
He doesn't know what to think about it. Why should Chris write him this randomly?   
Why should Chris write him at all?  
Why should Chris want him with him now?  
Isak buries his face in his pillow. He doesn't want to think anymore. Not at all. Especially not about things he doesn't understand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got 30 Kudos since the last Chapter... I don't know what to say... Thank you so, so much :D  
> I changed the time of Chris' and Iben's breakup, if you didn't notice... I like it better like this.


	7. Everything falls into pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the second part with the following Skam thing...  
> I guess, have fun :)

Isak feels uncomfortable.   
The walk down here was awkward but climbing in through the window to get into her basement and now actually standing in front of her makes it worse.   
Eva looks awful. She must feel like that too. Isak probably feels worse. Seeing one of his friends like this, is bad enough but being the reason why is worse.   
He knows he didn't tell her to kiss Chris (He would never tell somebody except himself to do so) but he told Iben.   
It's his fault Iben went crazy and attacked Eva.   
It's his fault Jonas found out about it.   
It's his fault the thing between Eva and Jonas is over. Well actually he's not sure if it's actually totally over and Eva is the one who cheated, not him, but he feels like it's his fault.   
Isak probably ruined the best thing Jonas and Eva had in a long time. Because of his jealousy. Because Chris couldn't keep his hands - or lips in this case - to himself. Or on Isak. 

Isak stands in the middle of Eva's room not able to look her in the eyes and waits for her to speak up.   
She does but he's not ready to talk to her, so he gets out of his jacket, lets it fall on the floor and asks her to sit down.   
He doesn't know where to start but tries to explain Jonas' reaction to Eva. He's never been good with words, so it's actually really bad, but she gets the message.   
Eva receives a text from Jonas and she looks desperate while reading it. This hurts Isak probably more than her. Seeing her like this, knowing it's his fault... Isak never felt this bad about what he did, than like he does in this moment. Also he feels like the reason why he did it doesn't care about it.   
Eva is hurt. Jonas is hurt. Iben is hurt. Isak is hurt. And Chris? Chris is his normal self. Nobody cares about him being involved in the incident. Except for Isak.   
Isak wants to scream. Trash something. Show his feelings to someone. But he can't.   
When Eva starts to cry he gets up to hug her.   
"It'll be okay." He says and doesn't know who of them he wants to calm down. Eva or himself. 

He is home again when his phone destroys the silence in his room.   
A new text. A new text from Chris. 

_Can you please stop ignoring me? I told you not to believe everything you hear._

_I shouldn't believe facts?_

_Now you're finally answering me :)_

And oh - yes he just did. Even if he swore himself not to respond to Chris. Chris' next text comes in and Isak concentrates on it. 

_I didn't do anything wrong._

_So hooking up with my best friend's girlfriend while being in a relationship yourself isn't wrong?_

Nice to know where Chris' priorities are. 

_You didn't seem to care about my girlfriend either when I fucked you._

Isak stares at the text for a moment. It kind of sounds mean and he thinks that is exactly how Chris wanted it to be. It's the truth though. Isak never cared about Iben. He won't admit it but he only started to care about her when Chris did something that hurt him.   
Isak doesn't answer again. 

_So you don't have something to say about this?_

_Are we back to you ignoring me?_

_Can't stand it when somebody tells you how you fucked up?_

_You don't get to judge me. You're full of shit yourself._

_But I guess it's fine. As long as nobody knows, isn't it? How do you think people would react if they found out about us?_

That's the last thing Chris sends him. For a few seconds Isak is scared. Chris wouldn't tell. Or would he?  
Isak has no clue. All he knows right now is how much Chris' words hurt. In his head he hears Chris saying these words to him even though he only read them.   
He throws away his phone. He can't look at the words anymore.   
Isak doesn't get much sleep that night. 

Looking at Eva is still weird. Through his laptop's screen it's as bad as in person.   
He fucked up and she gets hate for something she didn't do - well actually she did - but still she doesn't deserve it.   
He tells her after she accepted his call and then waits for a respond.  
The one he gets is different than the one he expected.   
He can't imagine Eva changing schools. Can't see her run away from her problems.   
He tries to talk her out of it. He doesn't know how and mostly just hopes her idea was out of the moment and she won't actually go forward with it.   
Eva ends the call and Isak is still clueless about her decision. 

Isak's life is already a mess.   
There is Jonas, his best friend, who just got his heart broken.   
Eva, who made a mistake and Isak made her life really bad for it.   
Chris, who - who - who doesn't seem to care about anything. Especially not Isak's feelings.   
So he doesn't need this to make it worse.   
He hears his parents argue and tries to ignore it. It's not the first time this happens. But this time is worse. He hears the front door being closed very loudly which makes him leave his room and walking down the stairs.   
He finds his mother sitting on the floor. Crying her eyes out.   
"Mom? What happened? Are you okay?"  
What she says next   
He knew his father wasn't happy but he didn't expect him to so this.   
"Your father left us."  
This can't be real. He can't leave him alone with his mother.   
Seeing his mother like this makes it very clear this isn't just a sick joke. Isak feels like he's losing the ground under his feet.   
Without a word he turns around, walks up the stairs and goes back in his room.   
His phone lies on his bed, he takes it and alls the only person he has left. Kind of. The only person he would come now. Hopefully.   
"Isak?" Hearing Jonas voice calms him.   
"Can - can you come?" Isak sound desperate. Sad. Hopeless.   
He doesn't explain why but Jonas agrees and a few minutes, maybe even half an hour, later the door bell rings.   
He walks downstairs and opens the door.   
He doesn't know what Jonas is thinking right now.   
The way Isak sounded on the phone, the way he looks at Jonas right now, his mother still sitting on the floor while crying and without his father's car in the front.   
Jonas doesn't speak, waits for Isak to be able to explain it. Gives him time. Cares for Isak and his mother. Even answers the door for them.   
He is there for Isak. And his mother.   
Going back to school the following Monday is easier than he expected it to be. Thanks to Jonas. And this makes his guilt even bigger. 

Isak doesn't want to go. However a few boys he knows go and drag him along with them. A party only for girls and first year boys sounds good but he knows Iben and Eva will be there. So they have to be on good terms now. Isak is happy for Eva, one person less who seems to hate her, but he is also scared. Why are they getting along now? Did they talk? About Eva and Chris? Did Iben mention him?   
After their arrival his way leads him into the kitchen firstly, so he'll have something to drink. With the stress at home and not knowing what to expect tonight, he needs it.   
"Isak." His face is buried in the fridge, so he didn't see Eva coming and she scares him a bit.   
She really is here. And he doesn't want to talk to her.   
Every time he sees her the guilt in him grows bigger. Her being concerned about him and his parents doesn't help with that.   
He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve her. He ruined her life. She shouldn't care about him.   
He doesn't want to talk about his parents and thankfully she stops after a few sentences. However the next topic she talks about almost makes him want to talk about his parents.   
At first she tells him Jonas and her are back together which Jonas didn't mention but he guesses it's fine as long as they are happy. This isn't all Eva has to say though.   
Eva starts thanking him for being there for him. She tells him there aren't a lot of people she can trust but he's one of them.   
He knows he isn't, but Eva doesn't.   
He wants her to stop talking, but Eva doesn't.   
The feeling of guilt grows even more in him. With every word she says, he wants her to stop speaking more. He feels worse the more she says. He doesn't want her to thank him.   
Luckily - or unluckily - she stops with that again soon. 

"Did you also support us when you told everyone that me and Chris hooked up?" Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Isak's mind goes blank and Eva's next words seem to come from far away.    
"Why did you do it? What were you thinking?" Now he has to come up with a good explanation.   
"You really don't know why?" He has to come up with something quick.   
"Think about it." She does and Isak does too. About an explanation he doesn't have. He can't tell her about Chris. She would think he's gay - he isn't.   
Isak doesn't find the right explanation.   
Luckily he doesn't have to come up with one, because Eva has an idea herself.   
"What? Do you have - ... Do you have... feelings for me?" And wow. That's perfect. That would explain everything. Why didn't he think about this before?

Even though it is a bit narcissistic of Eva to believe every guy would have a crush on her.  
"Like you didn't know."   
She declined. How was she supposed to anyways? There is nothing to know. Nothing like that.   
Now Isak is the one keeping the conversation alive. He tells her how bad it felt having her talking about Jonas and the Chris drama with him. It felt bad in the beginning, because Jonas loved her and Chris would never feel the same for him and still she didn't trust him. Then it hurt because she hooked up with Chris. He doesn't tell her this. He lets her believe it hurt because he has feelings for her. It works for both of them.   
Isak doesn't know what to say when she confronts him with him telling people about the hook up. He has no clue what to answer but as soon as he imagines Chris standing in front of him, not Eva, it works.   
"I was drunk and... I was also quite mad at you. I thought you used me." He knows he's not talking to Chris but pretending he is, lifts a little weight off of his shoulders.   
Eva gets her answer and both of them are happy. Kind of. A little bit. Less miserable than before.   
Isak explains the last bit to Eva. The real Eva.   
"I didn't know Chris had a psycho girlfriend who would create a bunch of drama." He knew she existed but that's it. He didn't know what she would do before she actually did it.   
"Then I wouldn't have done it." He is almost sure that's the truth.   
Their conversation abruptly ends when Noora storms in the kitchen and tells Eva to come with her.   
He holds her back for a moment to tell her not to say anything to Jonas.  Then she leaves.   
Isak is glad she does. Maybe the reason, Vilde being unconscious, isn't too good but he takes it. 

The bad part about their talk ending that soon is Eva wants to talk again. The good, Isak has time to think about his cover. He knows Eva will talk to him again and because he doesn't want to be surprised by it, he approaches her himself. They agree to meet on the following Thursday, which gives him a bit more time again.   
They meet and go to the nearest park together, where they sit down on a bench.   
"Be completely honest with me now." She starts their conversation with a request. Typical girl.    
"Yes." As long as she doesn't ask the wrong questions.   
Then she threatens him to tell Jonas everything if she thinks he's not honest with her.  Also: Typical girl.   
At the beginnings her questions are really easy. Just stuff about Jonas and Ingrid. He doesn't have to lie there.   
And the part he actually has to lie is easy. He trained it. After she gave him the idea with being in love with her. He had enough time. He made up the story about Jonas forgiving Eva if she told him herself. Well that probably is true but he makes it sound like it's because of his feelings.   
"Do you understand how messed up that sounds to me?" Yes, he does. But it's even worse when you know the whole story.   
"I feel like I don't know you anymore." No, she doesn't. How should she? Isak doesn't talk to anyone about what's going on in his life. Except for the thing with his parents. For that, he has Jonas.   
Worst of all, right now, he feels like he doesn't know himself anymore.   
"I know it might be hard to believe, but I never wanted to hurt you. It just turned out that way." It's true. The only person, he wanted to hurt is Chris. And Chris turned out to be the one that was hurt the least.   
"I'm sorry." He really means it. He never felt this sorry about something before.   
They sit for a few minutes without talking until they decide it's time to leave. 

He spots Chris before he gets to the people celebrating. His eyes probably have a filter, so they only find him. He looks good. As always. Isak has no clue why he came to this Christmas tree lighting thing. He doesn't want to be here. But he needed to get away from his mother.   
Chris looks up and their eyes lock for a moment.   
Chris' gaze is hard. No emotion are in his face and Isak swallows.   
_You don't get to judge me. You're full of shit yourself._    
Then Chris is swallowed by the crowd.   
"Isak." A boy he has a few classes with greets him and suddenly he finds himself talking to him and his friends.   
He doesn't enjoy himself. How could he, with everything that's going on in his life?   
He tries to get his mind clear for a little bit, but fails.   
Sometime after he arrived Jonas and Eva do too and Eva comes to him to talk to him. This makes Isak believe he and Eva can be back to be friends again sometime. They can't properly talk though, because they're always interrupted.   
Since Noora left with his phone and Eva is busy talking to other people he looks around and spots Jonas. He decides to join Jonas and wait with him until the lights of the Christmas tree go on.   
When they do Jonas' eyes begin to sparkle.   
Isak's mood gets better immediately.   
Jonas is one of the best people he knows. He still talks to Eva normally, even though she hooked up with Chris. He was there for him when his father ran away. He cares about the people closest to him.   
Isak wishes he'll find somebody like Jonas one day. Somebody who looks at him like he is the most important thing in the world. Somebody who cares truly about him. Somebody who loves him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we are at the end of season 1.  
> I think season 2 will be easier for me to add some things or even change the plot a bit... I don't know...  
> But I hoped you liked this chapter and I want to thank all of you for reading/leaving comments/Kudos/Bookmarks :D


	8. Everything starts again

Isak doesn't know what he thought back then. Probably nothing. He was too distracted by how Chris looked at him. Chris' touches. Chris' kisses.   
He shouldn't have gone for it again. For him again. Right now he is in the same position, he was in months ago. Kind of. Actually everything changed. But it's still the same. Kind of.   
Isak is clueless. More than he was months ago.   
He is more desperate.   
He is helpless.   
He is thinking about him.   
He is happier. 

 

_"So, the little, scared boy is finally out to play again?" The voice scares Isak for a second._  
_Scares him because he thought he was alone. Alone offside the other people here._  
_Scares him because the voice belongs to him. To Chris._  
_Scares him because the tone of his voice is mean. Hurtful._  
_Scares him because of what he said. Chris wouldn't start a scene here, would he?_  
_Scares him because the last time he actually spoke to him, they were in Isak's room. Naked. Sharing a bed after their orgasms. Every conversation after was through texts. Texts Isak mostly didn't respond to._  
_Isak doesn't respond to Chris' comment either._  
_"For a second I thought you got over being scared. But since you're too scared to look at me, I guess I was wrong."_  
_Isak concentrates on the beer in his hands. It's the first he has since he got here. One isn't enough for this conversation._  
_"So, what would you do if I kissed you in front of all these people right now?" Isak turned pale. Chris wouldn't. Or would he?_  
_He turned around, so he would face Chris and said:_  
_"You wouldn't." Isak tried to sound confident. He didn't. His fear was obvious._  
_"Now it answers. To make sure your little secret will be safe. You're the same scared boy as the last time, I see." Isak swallowed. No clue what to reply, he just stared at Chris. Chris looked good. He always did. He looked into Chris' eyes and tried not to think about the intimate moments they shared._  
_Not about the touches._  
_Not about the kisses._  
_Not about the sex._  
_Not about the hugs. The hugs that were way more intimate than the other things. That made Isak happier than the other things._  
_Chris smiled at him but it didn't reach his eyes. It looked mean. As mean as a smile - a fucking smile - could look._  
_Isak wasn't able to respond. He never saw Chris like this before. He was scared. He couldn't say what the other boy would do next and that was scary._  
_"I guess it works for you. Cutting of the only person who knows it. But are you happy like that? With hiding from everybody? Not being able to show your true self to anyone?" Chris' face softened a bit._  
_"My true self? I am myself." Chris laughed._  
_"Are you? Really? Then I guess, you're happy right now." Isak wasn't. He felt like Chris knew that too._  
_"Or not? 'Cause you can't be happy when you're living a lie?" They were back to the mean comments. Hearing Chris say all this stuff hurt Isak. Hit him in the heart. Chris could still do these things to him. To his heart. Because his heart still belonged to Chris._  
_"Can we please not talk about that? I don't think this is the right place for it."_  
_"Not the right place? Okay, then let's go somewhere else. I'll wait for you outside. Come. If you aren't too scared." With that Chris left him. Left the party._  
_Isak didn't know what to do. He could follow Chris. But did he want to? The last time they talked was weeks ago. Last year. He knew there were a lot of unsaid things between Chris and him. He knew he had to address them. He knew he needed to talk to Chris to get over him._  
_However he was also scared. Scared about how the talk would end. He had a lot of things he wanted to say to Chris. Tell him how much he hurt him. In which ways he hurt him. He wanted Chris to understand._  
_Isak figured now wasn't the right time to be scared. He took a final sip out of his beer bottle, put it down somewhere and went after Chris._

_He spotted Chris next to his car immediately. He got flashbacks to the first and the third night they spent together. This night was different. Isak felt different._  
_Chris indicated him to get in the car and did so himself._  
_Neither of them said something when Chris turned on the car and pulled over to the street. They drove like that for several minutes until Chris took a turn to an emptier street._  
_"Where are you driving?" Isak broke the silence and looked questioningly at Chris._  
_"Somewhere not many people go. I thought you don't want us to be seen together. I mean you don't want people to see us together. Or worse. Hear us talk. Don't want them to know your little secret, do you?"_  
_Isak didn't answer. It was better that way._  
_Chris took a last turn and followed the street for a bit until he stopped._  
_Where ever they were, Isak has never been here before. It was a nice view though._  
_Chris got out of the car and waited for Isak to do the same. There was a bench where they sat down._  
_Isak looked at his hands. Chris was right. He was scared. Too scared to look at Chris._  
_"Isak. I don't get it. Why are you like this? You judge me for hooking up with Eva, for one kiss, when you had sex with me. Why?" Chris' voice was soft. Like it was this one night._  
_"I didn't have a girlfriend."_  
_"More like a boyfriend." Chris' voice wasn't loud. It was a whisper. Isak wasn't sure if Chris wanted him to hear it. Isak didn't react._  
_"But I had a girlfriend, Isak. You never cared about her. Until the thing with Eva happened." He felt Chris' gaze on him. He didn't look up._  
_"I don't get why you ratted Eva out." Now Isak looked up. Shocked._  
_"You know?" Isak was shocked and Chris laughed._  
_"Of course I know. Iben told me."_  
_"You- you could have said something to Eva. Or to Jonas. Or somebody else."_  
_"Why should I? To ruin your friendship? Well I guess your friendship with Eva is ruined anyways..."_  
_"But you..."_  
_"I what? Isak? What? There was no reason for me to say something. People would have wondered why you did it. I didn't get it myself. I still don't." During their conversation Chris looked in Isak's eyes. His gaze was so intense Isak had to break their eye contact._  
_"You don't? Think about it Chris." Isak wanted Chris to realize it himself. He didn't feel like explaining it._  
_"I thought about it. More than once. I still don't know. So can you - please - explain it?"_  
_"Seriously Chris? How can you be that oblivious?" He was looking at Chris again. Searching for a sign the other was messing with him. He didn't find one. Chris stared at him. Asking for an answer with his eyes._  
_The situation made Isak angry. He got up, stood in front of Chris and began screaming. All the held back feeling from the last few months broke out of him._  
_"You have to be kidding me! How do you think I felt when you fucked me and left before I woke up? I felt used. I hated myself for it. I hated myself for needing it. For needing you. But it was okay. It was just sex. Until it wasn't anymore. The night you came to me after a party, at my mother's birthday, it changed. You were so nice. So fucking nice. And how could I not fall for you after?" Isak's anger reduced during his speech. There were some tears streaming down his cheeks now._  
_In Chris' face he was able to see what the other felt. Surprise, shock, sadness, anger. A mixture between a lot of feelings._  
_"But can I remind you of one thing? I wasn't the one to leave first. After the first night I woke up next to you. Then I got up to take a shower and when I came back, you were gone. So I figured you didn't want me to stay."_  
_Isak looked at Chris. He wasn't able to answer, even if he wanted to - which he didn't._  
_Chris tapped on the bench next to him. After Isak sat down again he started talking again:_  
_"You should have said something. I didn't know. I... I couldn't know. You were - You... You should have said something." Chris' voice was weak. Isak never heard it like that before._  
_"I would have lost you."_  
_"No, no you wouldn't have." Chris' words surprised Isak. Or more than that. He had no clue what to reply, so he didn't._  
_They sat there in silence for some time. Until Chris got up, reached out his hand to Isak and said:_  
_"Come on. I'll drive you home."_  
_Isak took Chris' hand and together they walked back to the car._

_Chris stopped in front of Isak's house. It was quiet. No wonder in the middle of the night. Neither of them said something and they just sat there not knowing what to do or say. It didn't feel right for Isak to get out of the car and watch Chris drive away. Then Chris broke the silence:_  
_"Are your parents home?"_  
_"My mother."_  
_"What about your father?" And oh - Chris didn't know. Right..._  
_Isak shook his head._  
_"What?"_  
_"It's nothing. Just - he's not home anymore."_  
_"Like... At all?"_  
_Isak nodded._  
_"I - I'm sorry, Isak."_  
_"Don't. It's not your fault."_  
_This time Chris was the one to nod._  
_They went back to the silence from before and shared another few minutes like that._  
_Unlike before, Isak was the one to break it now:_  
_"Stay with me tonight?"_  
_"Sure."_  
_With that they both got out of Chris' car. Chris walked around it, so he stood next to Isak. He took Isak's hand in his own and Isak let them in the house._  
_Still holding hands, they walked up the stairs in Isak's room._  
_Chris pulled Isak in a hug as soon as the door closed behind them. Isak rested his head against Chris' shoulder and closed his eyes._  
_He wanted to get in as much of Chris as he could. He enjoyed the warmth. The body pressed against his own. Chris' lips kissing him on his cheek._  
_Some time later they both laid in Isak's bed, cuddling with each other._  
_Isak didn't know where to put this night. He enjoyed it while it lasted. Without caring about the next morning._

_He should have. Because when Isak woke up the next morning there were no arms around him. No warmth next to him. No body. No Chris._  
_His heart broke in two again._  
_That morning Isak got up anyways._  
_His first way lead him in the bathroom where he took a shower and brushed his teeth._  
_His second downstairs, in the kitchen. Before he got in, he smelled it. Eggs. Combined with noises that were made by someone cooking._  
_Isak thought his mother had a good day but then he opened the door._  
_It wasn't his mother. She was smaller and had longer hair than him._  
_Chris' back faced Isak, so he didn't see him coming. When Chris turned around he was scared for a moment because of the sudden company. Then his expression turned into a smile._  
_"Hey. I thought I could make breakfast." Chris explained and Isak tried to realize this wasn't a dream._  
_He smiled back at Chris._  
_"I can see that." Unsure what to do now he walked towards Chris to look into the pan standing on the stove._  
_"How did you sleep?" Chris was standing next to him now and his shoulder was pressed against Isak's._  
_The situation was awkward. Chris never stayed for breakfast before, yet made it himself. Even though they didn't sleep with each other the night before, it was a bit uncomfortable. At the same time Isak hasn't been that happy for a long time._  
_Isak felt Chris' gaze on him, so he looked up from the pan and into Chris' eyes. Chris smiled slightly and Isak's heart started to beat faster._  
_This morning was different. Chris stayed, Isak felt good, was happy and Chris seemed different. He was overwhelmed by these feelings, couldn't think straight and because of the way Chris looked at him, Isak kissed him._  
_The kiss was innocent. More a peck on Chris lips. When Isak pulled away they looked at each other shortly and then both of them closed the distance between them. This kiss wasn't as innocent as the one before. Not soon after their lips locked Isak felt Chris' tongue._  
_This kiss was hungry, needy, hot. And ended with a disgusting smell from the eggs._  
_"Oh shit! The eggs." Chris broke the kiss and turned towards the stove to take the pan away._  
_This whole situation was absurd. Beautiful, but absolutely awkward and surreal. The mixture between these made Isak laugh. A loud, happy, cheerful and most important real laugh._  
_At first Chris stared at him and Isak didn't want to know what he must have been thinking, then a smile formed on his lips and he shook his head._  
_"You're so weird. Positive weird. I like it." With these words Chris grabbed Isak's hip and pulled him closer, so he could kiss him again._  
_They ended up having breakfast together and ate the eggs they were able to save and which weren't too burnt._  
_Their food might not have been perfect but the morning was for Isak._

 

This morning was the start of something new. Something better. He doesn't talk to Chris about what it is now, but they both silently agree they're more than friends. More than friends with benefits.   
Chris shows him how important he is for him. Yet their lives are far from perfect. Too many problems in both of their lives. But as long as Isak is with Chris, he's able to forget about them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo. I replied to one comment I got on the last chapter this will be up on Sunday or even before... Well, I didn't quite make it... Even though the chapter was already finished by the time I uploaded the last...  
> I thought about the place where Isak and Chris talk as the place where Noora and William have their first date in Skam. Just so you know.  
> Then I want to say a big Thank you to everybody reading this, leaving Kudos and Bookmarks and for the comments I get. I feel like I don't say that enough.


	9. Everything is fake

Isak doesn't know what he was thinking.  
Probably the same as always. Nothing.  
It wasn't fair. Not to him. Not to Chris. And not to Sara. Mainly not to Sara. She was the only one of them who didn't know the whole story. She still doesn't know.

 

_Isak hated it. Hated the lips on his own. The arms around his neck. Hated that it wasn't him. That it wasn't Chris._  
_All in him screamed to push Sara away from him. But he couldn't. He wouldn't have an explanation for why he did it. Well, he had one, but he couldn't say that. Also it would embarrass Sara if he pushed her away from him in front of all these people. He wasn't such a big asshole._  
_He didn't think he wasn't one at all, because he did lie to Sara. To everyone._  
_But Chris._  
_He pretended to be into girls and used Sara to make everybody believe it._  
_Secretly Isak knew it was all a lie. But this was one of the moments he liked to pretend. He liked to pretend he was into girls. He liked to pretend he was normal._  
_So he started a "relationship" with Sara._  
_He won't go further than kissing and it will be over soon, but maybe he felt a little guilty._  
_He didn't tell Chris about the thing with Sara. He was afraid to do it. Isak couldn't imagine Chris' reaction and because he was scared, he chose not to tell him._  
_They didn't define the thing between them, it just happened, so Isak had no clue about Chris' feelings for him._  
_It was different from the thing they had before. Last year._  
_It wasn't just sex anymore. Chris stayed the next morning after they hooked up. And they didn't always have sex when Chris visited Isak. Sometimes they spent the day, evening, night with cuddling and talking._  
_It was better than what they shared before._

_People were talking. About Sara and him. The Pepsi-Max girls apparently were like the Penetrators, so it was a big deal that one of them was in a relationship._  
_However, he got some  interesting information about their relationship and how they became a couple. They said Sara gave him a blowjob in the bathroom at the party the Friday before. Isak didn't correct them. Why should he? There was some truth to it. Isak and Sara hooked up that night. And Isak received a blowjob that night. Just not from Sara. From Chris._  
_His problem was he kind of told Jonas about it. About the receiving part, so he had to come up with something. How stupid was he to actually tell Jonas he just had gotten the best blowjob of all time?_  
_He didn't know why Sara didn't decline these rumors but he actually didn't care. It was better for him like that._  
_Isak thought about him being involved with Chris. People at school were already freaking out about Sara and him, so what would they say if he was with Chris?_

_Isak heard about the fight. From Jonas. Fucking Jonas told him about it. Jonas told him, Chris was hurt and had to go to the hospital. And Chris? Chris didn't even text him. Chris didn't see the need to let Isak know how he was hurt or that he was still alive. Isak wasn't angry or furious. He was a bit mad. Mad at Chris for not letting him know. Not about the fight and  not about how he was. And maybe - just maybe - Isak was sad about it too._  
_He didn't text Chris. He didn't sent him one text the whole weekend. It was Chris' job to contact him. To tell him how he was, not Isak's to act like an over worried boyfriend. Because he wasn't. Chris' boyfriend. He was worried. Maybe a little too much. But he wasn't Chris' fucking boyfriend, so he didn't contact him._

_At school on Monday everybody talked about the fight. Rumors spread, people talked about how bad the boys who participated in the fight - including Chris - were hurt and Isak still didn't receive anything from Chris._  
_Apparently Chris was fine. Fine enough to go to school at least. So when did Isak find out about that?_  
_At the same time as everybody else at school. Monday morning._  
_Isak was talking to Jonas and suddenly everybody around them got quiet. Everybody stared in the same direction, so Isak turned around too._  
_He saw William parking his car and then him and some others got out of the car. Including Chris._  
_At first Isak was shocked and was pretty sure that showed in his expression too, so he tried to hide it as fast as he could._  
_Chris looked like he was in a fight. So did the two other boys William and Chris were with. Only William didn't have injuries all over his face. Isak wasn't surprised though. Most people said William hadn't been to the fight. Instead he was at home fucking some girl. Isak wished Chris would have done the same. Maybe not fucking a girl though, but Isak._

_"How's your girlfriend?" Somebody whispered next to Isak's ear when he closed his locker. He hated that thing._  
_Isak turned around and looked into Chris' eyes. Chris' eyes that were way too near. Isak looked around if somebody was looking at them and enlarged the distance between them quickly. Luckily nobody seemed to notice them._  
_"Why should you care? Nice face by the way." Isak didn't like to talk about Sara. He never did, but with Chris, it was worse, so he tried to change the topic as soon as possible and Chris went along with it._  
_"Thanks. Don't you think I look hotter like this?  Like a dangerous way of hot?" Isak hoped no one could hear them._  
_"Why should I care?" Isak tried to sound cool, but Chris was probably able to tell that Isak was freaking out. Chris couldn't talk to him like that at school._  
_"Oh, Isak. You're still in denial? Well then I guess, you don't want me to explain why you should care, right? Not here where people can hear." Chris always had the same tone in his voice when he spoke about the thing between them now. He sounded serious, a little bit disappointed maybe, even though that wouldn't make sense. Mainly he sounds annoyed. Annoyed by the fact that Isak is so fucking insecure._  
_"Come on, Isak. It's fine, right?" Chris asked him and Isak was pretty sure Chris wanted to know if they were fine._  
_"Sure." Isak replied but wasn't so sure if that was the truth. Were they fine?_  
_"I mean you don't look fine, but..." Isak began to say but didn't know how to finish, so he awkwardly stopped._  
_"I am. Don't worry about me. I don't want to see your pretty face like that." Chris smiled at Isak one last time, then he was gone before Isak was able to proceed the whole conversation._

_"What are you doing tomorrow?" Isak asked Chris. It was Thursday and they met at Isak's after school. Isak was glad about it. He didn't have to be alone at home. Chris didn't respond, so Isak suggested something:_  
_"Going to some party, like always?" He raised his eyebrows and looked questioningly at Chris. They were lying in Isak's bed, looking at each other without touching. Chris' face was mostly healed by now, which Isak was happy to see. He hated to see the other boy hurt._  
_"Nah. I'd rather spend time with you. But I guess, you'll meet your girlfriend to celebrate your two week anniversary?" Chris laughed towards the end. He thought the thing between Isak and Sara was ridiculous. And it was. Kinda._  
_"Haha. You know I don't care about that." Isak didn't care. Not about Sara and even less about their relationship. As long as people bought his straightness, he was fine. Chris knew. Knew about Isak's insecurity regarding his sexuality and about his non-existent feelings for Sara._  
_"Well girls are into that shit." Chris smiled as self confident as ever._  
_"And you know that because you had so many good relationships with girls?" Isak looked at Chris, studying his face._  
_"Touché. But seriously, Isak, it's not fair to her. I mean what you're doing."_  
_"You're the one saying that." Isak knew Chris was right but he didn't want to confess it._  
_"Okay, I may not have been a perfect boyfriend in the past, but you are probably even worse."_  
_"May?" Isak chose to react to the thing Chris criticized about himself and not about Isak._  
_"Definitely. But Isak, you're lying to Sara. You were already involved with me when you started the thing with her. It's not fair."_  
_"Again, are you the one to judge me?" Chris wasn't. And he knew that. That's why Isak didn't get an answer._

_The day before was good. The only exception was their talk about Sara. Other than that Chris and Isak didn't do a lot. Except for cuddling, kissing and talking about stuff that didn't involve Sara. No sex. No orgasms._  
_Today was different. He was in school and Sara only left his side when they had lessons to be at. Isak didn't want to say he hated it, because hate was a strong word, but he hated it._  
_This should have been a bad sign already but when he arrived back home he spotted something else. Something odd. His father's car was there._  
_At first Isak was happy. Kind of. Thought his father came back. Then he opened the door._  
_Screaming. His parents fought. Again. He heard his mother crying, then his father stormed towards the door. He saw Isak and stopped._  
_"Isak." He looked at him surprised._  
_"Dad." Isak tried not to show any feelings in his voice. With his eyes he demanded an explanation from his father._  
_"I wanted to get help for your mother, but she doesn't want to. I found this place, where she could go, but she insists on staying here. I tried, Isak, but if she doesn't want help I can't do anything. And now I think it's better when I leave again."_  
_"Seriously? You came back, just to leave right away again?"_  
_"I'm sorry, Isak, but I can't do this. Not anymore."_  
_"But I can? You're the adult here. She's your wife. You can't leave her. Can't leave us." Isak was screaming now. His father didn't care. He said he was sorry one last time and then walked past Isak and got into his car. He left them. Again._  
_Isak ddidn't know how long he was there, probably just a few minutes, but that was enough. Enough for his mother to be devastated again. To fall into a hole again. To be in a worse place than she was after he moved out._

Don't come tonight. 

_The text was sent before Isak could think about it twice. He wanted to be alone. Didn't want to see Chris. Didn't want to see anybody._  

Why? What happened?

Just don't come.

_Isak gets some other texts from Chris after that one but ignores them._  
_Chris seems to realize that too, so he starts calling Isak. Isak doesn't answer the phone._  
_He just lies in his bed trying not to think about anything. The door bell rings and Isak waits for his mother to answer it. Of course she doesn't._  
_Isak gets his phone to look at the time - 20:27 - and tries not to look at the number of texts and missed calls he has. Mostly from Chris._  
_The door bell rings again and Isak sighed. Whoever is here won't leave, so he gets up and goes downstairs._  
_The moment he opened the door, he wished he didn't._  
_"Hey." Chris says and smiles a careful smile._  
_"Why are you here? I told you not to come." Isak replies._  
_"No, you didn't tell me anything. You texted me. Without an explanation."_  
_"But I made it clear, I don't want you here. So why did you come? Or you know what? Just leave." Isak wanted to close the door but Chris reacted fast enough. He put his hand and his foot against the door, so Isak had no chance to close it._  
_"I won't leave, before you explain it to me." Chris still insisted on getting his explanation but Isak didn't want to talk. Not to Chris and not to anybody else._  
_"I said leave." Isak's voice got louder. He didn't want to tell Chris what happened with his parents. Not talking about it made it seem less real._  
_"No. You're upset. I can see that. So just tell me why." Chris' tone made it clear he wasn't going to leave soon. Not when Isak didn't say something to get him leave._  
_"I am not upset. And even if I was, it would be none of your business. So leave." His voice sounded sharp._  
_"You need somebody to talk, Isak." Chris was calm. He didn't show any reaction towards Isak's comments. Or he tried to. The expression in his eyes changed a bit, but it was so little, Isak didn't know if it actually happened or he imagined it. If it was real, Chris looked a little bit hurt._  
_"I. Said. Fuck. Off!" The words left Isak's mouth slowly. He tried to sound threatening. But Chris didn't leave._  
_He reached out his hand to touch Isak's arm and started to say:_  
_"Isak, I -"_  
_Isak slapped Chris' hand away and yelled:_  
_"Fuck off!"_  
_Before Chris was able to say or do something he shut the door with more strength than he actually would need to._  
_Isak couldn't believe what just happened. He regretted it. As soon as the door was closed he regretted what he said. It wasn't Chris' fault._  
_He didn't open the door again though._

_Isak was in his bed, pitying himself and not thinking about Chris. Definitely not thinking about Chris. Well, maybe he was. A little. Or the whole time since he told Chris to fuck off._  
_Isak liked it. He knew he can trust in himself to be good at pitying himself. That's probably the only thing he could say about himself without having to lie._  
_The door bell rang. Isak didn't open._  
_The door bell rang again. Isak still didn't open._  
_The door bell rang again. Isak started to hope the person would leave and not wake up his mother. He couldn't deal with her now._  
_The door bell rang again. Isak sighed. He was getting annoyed by it._  
_The door bell rang again. Isak started to think the person wouldn't leave._  
_The door bell rang again. Isak knew the person wouldn't leave now._  
_The door bell rang again. Isak got up._  
_The door bell rang again. Isak was on the stairs._  
_The door bell rang again. Isak stood in front of the door._  
_Before the door bell rang again, Isak opened the door._  
_He wanted to yell at the person who dared to come here so late, but as soon as he saw who it was, he wanted to close the door again._  
_But Chris expected him to and before Isak fully got what was going on, Chris' body was between Isak and the door. Chris took Isak's hand that was lying on the door and closed it himself._  
_The door shut close and this time Chris was inside the house. He dragged Isak after him until they were in Isak's room._  
_Chris closed the door, remained standing in front of it, facing Isak._  
_"So, tell me why you sent me away before." Chris demanded an explanation._  
_"I had my reasons."_  
_"Seriously? That's it? That's all I get?" Chris asked him. Isak nodded._  
_"It doesn't matter. Not now." Isak knew Chris wanted to reply something, but something stopped him. He nodded  too and pulled Isak in a hug, before he guided him on his bed, where they laid down._

_"So with how many people did you hook up tonight?" Isak grinned. He meant it as a joke, but Chris' reaction was odd. Chris didn't look Isak in the eyes and bit his lip._  
_Isak's grin faded._  
_"You - You seriously - Who?" Isak was hurt. Chris' reaction hurt him. The fact that Chris hooked up with somebody else hurt him._  
_"Just two random girls. I don't know their names. I don't care." Chris defended himself quickly._  
_"Two? You actually made out with two girls?" Isak sat up now. He didn't try to hide how hurt he was._  
_"Well I mean there was nothing more than kisses. I kissed them, they kissed each other and then we had to leave because the party was ended by the police. William basically threw us out. Probably to spend alone time with this Noora girl in your year. However, when we were outside, I asked myself what the hell I was doing. I didn't like these girls or anything, so I left them there and drove here." Chris' explanation was logic, but Isak didn't like it. He was angry and disappointed, but mainly just sad. Isak was jealous, even though he had no right to be. Chris wasn't his boyfriend. They were not exclusive. Chris had the right to kiss whoever he wanted to kiss. But it hurt. A lot._

_"Look, Isak I'm sorry. But after you sent me away I-" Chris started but was interrupted by Isak:_  
_"You what, Chris? Looked for somebody else to fuck?" Isak had to try not to start to cry. He couldn't take this tonight._  
_"Again, I told you there was no sex. Just kisses. How often have you kissed Sara the past days? Weeks?" Chris looked at him accusingly._  
_"That's different." Isak didn't know how, but he could probably come up with something._  
_"In which way? That you also lie to her? That only makes it worse. I don't get why I should excuse myself for kissing somebody else one night while you do the same every day."_  
_"But me and Sara, we... You know it's fake."_  
_"And that makes it okay? Oh my God, Isak. You're such a hypocrite." Chris' expression was getting angry. Chris was getting angry. Isak didn't want to deal with that. Not now._  
_"Can we please not fight?"_  
_"Seriously? Firstly you yelled at me to 'fuck off' without an explanation, then you accuse me of something and now just demand me to stop saying the truth? Isak what is wrong with you? Yesterday everything was fine and now? You're like this." Suddenly Chris' voice was soft. Like the few times Isak really started to adore Chris. And maybe - just maybe - because of that a tear left Isak's eye and Isak broke:_  
_"My father came back. Not totally. Just for like five minutes. When I came back from school. He came to take my mother in a mental hospital or whatever, but she refused, so he left again. Without even really trying. And now my mother is worse than after he moved out. I mean, who does he think he is? To tell me, he can't take it - her - anymore and leave me here? On my own?" Isak was angry. At his father. At his mother. At himself._  
_Chris pulled him into a hug again and said:_  
_"You're not alone, Isak. You have friends. You have me."_  
_And maybe - just maybe - these were the words Isak needed to hear._  
_He pulled Chris closer, if this was possible, and let himself fall into the hug. The touches. The kisses. The sex._

_The next morning when Isak woke up the first thing he felt, were two arms protectively looped around his body. Chris' arms._  
_Isak opened his eyes, turned in Chris' arms, so he was able to look at the older boy, to find the other awake and looking at him too._  
_"Morning." Chris muttered still sounding tired._  
_"Morning." Isak responded studying the other's face._  
_Chris pulled Isak a little closer, gave him a peck and smiled at Isak. He looked happy. Isak couldn't remember when he saw Chris that happy. Maybe never. Probably never._  
_Isak rests his head on Chris' chest and just enjoys the moment. They both do. Before they have to go back in their normal lives._  
_However the last night was still in Isak's mind and he didn't know what to expect from Chris. Isak couldn't label their relationship. It was nice, waking up next to Chris. And maybe that was enough. At least for now._

 

But maybe what they have isn't enough. Maybe the rest of their lives is too much for them to handle. Maybe they can't handle it together. Maybe them being together makes it worse.  
Isak wishes he had an answer for all his questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the longest chapter so far and I think I have some explaining to do (I don't think I put spoilers in it, but my second point could be a very, very small one):  
> 1) I changed the blowjob part. I don't want to think about Sara and Isak like that. I mean... Ew...(I don't like Sara)  
> 2) The thing about Isak's father... If they didn't fuck up the time of the story, Isak's father left his family twice... Isak tells Even he moved out when his father left, so this had to be either at the end of season one, which wouldn't make sense because of how Isak says it (could be a translation issue or they wrote it weirdly too), or his father came back just to leave again. I'm not going to write him move in again. He'll maybe have another appearance in another chapter, but he won't move in with his family again. Or well if he would, it would have happened already.  
> 3) I had to find an explanation why Chris hooked up with these girls at William's party, but I just couldn't write him going all the way with them, 'cause poor Isak.
> 
> I would have been able to post this chapter some days ago, but I wanted to finish the next one before.  
> The next chapter will probably be up in two days, if I find the time to post it.  
> I think that's it. Even though this note got longer than I wanted it to be...  
> Thanks for reading, Kudos, Bookmarks, comments.  
> And I hoped you enjoyed.


	10. Everything gets complicated

Isak's life sucks right now. Every time one of his problems disappears another one takes its place. At least that's what he feels like.  
When Sara broke up with him, Isak was relieved. He didn't need to bother about her anymore and didn't need to read and actually reply to her stupid messages. But after that something else took her spot. He had to worry about Jonas  
Jonas, his best friend, who he would do anything to protect. Especially after everything Jonas did for him in the past.  
Even if it meant to get Chris in danger.

 

Heard your girlfriend broke up with you. Need somebody to comfort you?

_Isak started at the text for a while now. How could Chris - as a third year - hear about first year gossip? It was true, Sara ended the relationship at the beginning of  the holidays, but Isak didn't really care about it. He didn't have to bother about her anymore. That was only a win for him._

Yeah. Jonas is coming over soon.

_It was a lie, but Isak liked to tease Chris a little. Also it seemed less desperate than writing something like: 'Yes, absolutely. Come over.'_   
_Especially since Chris wasn't here._

Playing hard to get, I see.

Aren't you in Trysil anyways?

We can always change that.

_This guy was unbelievable. He wouldn't just leave his friends, his bus, to come to Isak. Just to have sex with Isak. But Chris liked to imply such things. Isak didn't reply._

_"So, we're going to make this fundraiser, to get the money." Chris finished his story about how the Penetrators trashed this cabin._   
_"Fundraiser?" Isak questioned to get more information._   
_"Yeah. We'll throw a party and have a hook up auction." Chris explained and Isak wasn't happy._   
_"Hook up auction?" Isak wanted more information about that. Chris nodded and then gave them to Isak:_   
_"Yes, apparently we won't make enough money by selling sweaters, so they figured we need more than that. They came up with the auction. It means people can pay money and if they're lucky, they can hook up with one of us. There will be a charity party at Friday. You have to come." Isak's mood got worse with every word Chris said. How could he be that careless about what Isak might think about it?_   
_"So, you have people paying for kissing you guys? I mean who would pay for that?" Isak didn't want to show Chris how upset he was. Chris smiles at Isak excitedly._   
_"It's amazing, isn't it? We'll get the money and all our problem are solved." Only problem remaining is: Isak didn't think it was amazing._   
_"Yeah. Amazing." Isak made it clear he didn't agree with Chris._   
_"Oh come on. Are you jealous? I mean, you can always participate in the auction. To make sure these lips will be all to you." Chris pointed towards his lips and blew a kiss in Isak's direction. Chris grinned at Isak and Isak wanted this fucking grin to go away._   
_"Jealous? I'm not jealous. And I will definitely not pay for getting a chance to hook up with you. I mean why should I pay for something I can get all the time?" Isak teased Chris and it was all just fine. Here. When they were alone. Behind closed doors._   
_"Get all the time? Are you sure? I could just say no to that and then you would have to pay to kiss me." Chris raises his eyebrows studying Isak reaction. Isak just smiles at that. He closes the distance between them, but stops only millimeters in front of Chris with his face._   
_"So, you don't want to kiss me right now?" Isak whispered. Something about this situation was oddly hot. He couldn't put his finger on it, but there was something tingling to it. Isak liked it._   
_Chris seemed to enjoy it too. He smiled like he always did when he wanted something. Or more somebody. Chris tried to close the distance between them but Isak pulled away. Only so much that their lips won't touch._   
_"Maybe you should pay me then." With these words Isak started to grin and moved away from Chris. The tension between them broke and Chris almost looked disappointed. Isak had no idea where this came from, but he liked it. He liked how he acted and how Chris reacted._   
_"Funny." Chris responded sarcastically and the smile from before left his face._   
_"Well, you're asking me to do it. Because you and your friends trashed a cabin. And also I'm pretty sure I'll find somebody to hook up with if you are too busy." Isak wasn't amused by Chris' suggestion from before._   
_"Okay, I promise I will hook up with you even if you don't pay. Happy now?" Chris knew the answer to that very well. Isak could tell from the grin on his face, so he hit him gently on the arm. Chris responded with a played cry full of pain and joked:_   
_"Domestic violence? I never thought you are that kind of guy."_   
_"'Cause I'm not you?" Two could play that game. Even if Isak had no idea where that comment came from - just like their whole conversation right now. Isak was clueless._   
_"Very funny, Isak. Very funny. But you can make up for it with..." Chris acted like he had to think about a way for Isak to compensate for it "Let's say a kiss?" Now Chris smiled again visibly proud of himself. Because of that Isak had to smile too._   
_Chris grabbed Isak's hip and pulled him closer. Isak looked at Chris lips when he stopped right in front of Isak's face, so Isak looked him into the eyes._   
_"But I guess, you'll find somebody else, right?" This time Chris was the one to pull away._   
_"I will. But as I said, I will find somebody if you're too busy and you don't seem to be busy right now."_   
_Chris seemed to like Isak's comment, why else would he start to smile again? However the smile was a bit different from the ones before. He wanted Isak. That was obvious. And Isak wanted him._   
_When their lips finally met there was no holding back. They both craved more than just a kiss. The kiss was hungry for more. Or less. Less clothes. More exposed skin. More touches. Isak craved more of Chris. Chris craved more of Isak. And they followed this urge for more._

_Isak kind of enjoyed the party. If Jonas hadn't ditched him for his new girlfriend and his mind didn't go back to his mother all the time, he would enjoy it. Probably._   
_The fact that Chris was everywhere but next to him, annoyed him. Not that he wanted him to be next to him. Or worse: Chris kissing him in front of all these people. He wanted a kiss. Craved one, but not here._   
_His eyes found Chris for the he doesn't know how many dozens time this evening. Chris looked good. Right now he was next to Vilde, talking to her. He was too close to her for Isak's liking._   
_"Hi! Isak!" Eva drew his attention to her by hugging him. She was drunk. Isak wanted her to leave. They didn't talk as much as they used to since Eva found about him telling Iben that she hooked up with Chris._   
_"What's up?" She was drunk, so she probably wouldn't attack her. The thing with Eva was when she was drunk she wanted everybody to like her. She got clingy too, but at least she wouldn't accuse him of who knows what in front of all these people. Sure, he wanted her to get off him, but he could survive that for a moment._   
_"I've missed you." She said and Isak secretly hoped she really meant it. He missed her. As a friend. He missed talking to her. Hanging out with her._   
_"We never hang out anymore." Right, but there was a good reason for it. Maybe she forgot about it or something._   
_"You know what? You're so sweet." Hearing these words felt good, but made him sad at the same time. He fucked up their friendship._   
_"Jonas has a girlfriend! Did you know? She's a third year." Yes, he knew that. And he also knew  Jonas didn't tell Eva. He asked himself how Eva knew, but giving that Jonas was here with his girlfriend and they went to the same school together, this answered his question._   
_"I've really missed you. It's so good to see you." Isak felt the same way, but he hoped Eva wouldn't be drunk while saying these things to him. He wanted to hear it from her while she was sober._   
_However the conversation was good. Better than Isak expected it to be and then - Then Eva started to kiss him. Or tried it._   
_"No." Isak avoided her kisses. He didn't want them._   
_"What?"_   
_"We'll just drop it." There was so much against this happening. Isak's feelings for Chris, the story between Isak and Eva and Eva being his best friends ex. All of this was against this happening._   
_"Don't you want to make out with me? Huh?"_   
_"No, we'll just drop it."_   
_"Is it because you like guys?" What? What did she just say? There was no way she could know, right? Isak tried to laugh it off. Like it was a bad joke or something. He did everything he could to hide the fact that he - That he - maybe - just maybe - liked boys._   
_Luckily Noora pulled Eva away._   
_"He doesn't want to make out with me." That was the last thing he heard Eva say before the two girls were gone. Isak looked around to see if anyone heard what Eva said, but everybody minded their own business._   
_His eyes landed on Chris again who still spoke to Vilde. He had his typical Chris' grin on his lips and Isak would have loved to go over there and pull him into a kiss. Eva and Noora joining them now wasn't the only thing that stopped him._   
_Eva now started to talk to Vilde and Chris seemed not to be interested in whatever they were talking about. He cared more about his beer. Until Eva said something that got Chris looking surprised, maybe even shocked at them. For a short moment at least. Then his poker face was back and he took another sip out of his cup._   
_He then decided not to care about what Chris was doing anymore. Not that this went well. His eyes would be on the other every few seconds until he looked at Chris and Vilde and Eva were kissing right in front of Chris. Isak felt queasy._   
_Isak actually was able to ignore Chris for some minutes. Problem then was, he needed beer. He was thirsty and he didn't enjoy the party, so he thought some beer could change that. Both of it._   
_"I have beer at home too." Somebody next to him spoke up after Isak ordered. He turned around just to look into Chris eyes._   
_"So? Doesn't help me now." Isak answered repellently but secretly hoped Chris was implying for Isak going home with him. Chris laughed, before he replied:_   
_"Well, you could drink one there with me." He then leaned closer to be able to whisper in Isak's ear:_   
_"And do other things with me too."_   
_Isak was pretty sure he blushed a little and he had to swallow. He wanted to say "Yes" badly, but also didn't want to seem desperate. So he weakened his answer:_   
_"Maybe I could."_   
_Chris leaned away again, started grinning and held out his hand to Isak, for him to take it._   
_"Isn't this your party? So shouldn't you stay here?" Isak questioned without taking Chris' hand._   
_Chris sighed, took down his hand, before he responded:_   
_"It's not my party. It's the Penetrators' party. Also, I'm pretty sure, William already left and he's the bus boss. So it's okay for me to leave too. Besides, my parents aren't home." The feelings inside Isak were split. On one hand he was happy, on the other hand the queasy feeling was back._   
_Chris held out his hand again. Isak took it this time._   
_Together they left the party. Still holding hands. Isak didn't know what he (or Chris) was thinking. Somebody could have seen them. But apparently, unlike Isak, others enjoyed the party. So they were more focused on having fun than seeing two boys, who shouldn't hold hands, doing the exact same thing._

_Chris guided Isak to his car, where he let go of Isak's hands and both boys got in._   
_The drive was silent. Like most of the times they were in the car together._   
_Chris stopped in front of his house, they both got out of the car and into the house._   
_As soon as the door closed behind them, Chris' lips were on Isak's. Isak wanted this kiss the whole evening, so when he finally got it, he wanted more. He deepened the kiss and Chris seemed to like that. He mainly concentrated on the other boy, so Isak didn't know when they got into Chris' bedroom or where he started to lose his clothes, but when Chris pushed him on his bed, Isak was almost naked. So was Chris._   
_Chris kissed Isak neck, while his hands went to Isak's pants - the last piece of clothing he was wearing - when Isak interrupted him with his words:_   
_"What about the beer you promised me?" Immediately Chris' hands and lips left Isak's body and he looked surprised at Isak._   
_"Seriously? That's what you're thinking about now?"_   
_"Well, maybe you're not as good in what you're doing as you think." Chris was and Isak took the short moment he actually was able to think about something else to make this comment, but Chris didn't need to know that._   
_For a moment Chris didn't seem to know what to say or do, before he tried to say something without knowing what:_   
_"You're..." Then he seemed to decide not to talk, but to show Isak how wrong he was. Isak appreciated it._

_"Still want that beer?" Chris asked when he caught his breath._   
_"Nah. I'm fine." Isak smiled without looking at Chris._   
_"Good" With this one words Chris pulled Isak closer to him and closed his eyes._   
_They both fell asleep like this._

_The next morning Isak woke up in Chris' arms. He liked it. He let himself enjoy this feeling shortly, then he got up._   
_He wanted to collect his clothes, but didn't find more than his underpants. With a look in the hallway, he found his jeans, took them and put it on as well._   
_"What are you doing?" Chris' voice was muttered. He sounded sleepy and when Isak got in Chris' room again, he found the other looking like that too._   
_"I'm leaving. I need to go home. My mother-" Isak stopped his explanation, but Chris seemed to get it. Isak received a nod as reply, while he stepped closer to the bed._   
_Isak leaned down, kissed Chris shortly on the mouth, before pulling back and leaving._   
_He collected his shirt and his shoes on the way, so he could go outside fully dressed._

_"Saw the picture of your friend. Looked bad." Isak turned around to look at Chris. It was Monday, which meant Isak was at school. This also meant Chris was talking to him at school. Again._   
_At first Isak didn't know what Chris was talking about, then he remembered the photo of Jonas all beaten up._   
_"Yeah. Some assholes beat him up."_   
_"And these assholes happen to be the Yakuzas. They do that to a lot of people. Just because they can. If you - or you friend - need help, you know how to reach me." Chris left as fast as he appeared and Isak had something to think about._   
_Did he need Chris' help?_   
_Did he want it?_   
_Did Jonas?_   
_Isak could picture Chris' help too well. He and the other Penetrators would start a fight with the Yakuzas. Like they did before._   
_Did Isak want that? Chris getting hurt again? Because it would help Jonas?_   
_Jonas was his best friend. If he was in this situation Jonas would do anything to help him. And after all Jonas did for him, it was fair for Isak to help him now too. Even if Chris would get hurt. But Chris was hurt before. Without Isak being involved in it. And Chris would get hurt again. The feud between the Penetrators and the Yakuzas wouldn't stop suddenly, so there would be another fight. So maybe it didn't matter._   
_Or maybe it would be better. For the Penetrators to plan something before the next fight could happen._   
_On Wednesday Isak texted Chris to ask for his help._

Great. Meet me Friday after school. I'll pick you up.

_Chris sent him the exact place and time and Isak knows there was no going back anymore._

_On Friday Isak waited for Chris after school. When Chris stopped next to him, Isak opened the door and got in the car._   
_"Hey."_   
_"Hey? That's it? You need my help right now, so you could appreciate it a bit more." Chris teased him, Isak knew that but he still got a bit mad at this comment._   
_"I'm sorry? You offered to help."_   
_"Well, I want something in return, of course." Yes, of course. Why didn't Isak expect this?_   
_"And what do you want?"_   
_"For now, I'll be pleased with a kiss." Isak was shocked. Was Chris out of his mind? They were in his car, where no one could hear them, but people could still see them. There was no way Isak would kiss Chris now._   
_Judging by his expression, Chris knew that too. He shook his head, started the car and they left._

_They probably could have make the plan up through a call or even through texts. It wasn't spectacular at all. The reason why they met in person was everything else. How they spent the rest of the day, since they were finished planning after maybe 20 minutes, there was a lot of rest to the day._

_They spent this rest like they always spent their time together. Mostly kissing, cuddling and not speaking at all. Sometimes Isak thought they really didn't have a healthy relationship. Or whatever they have. They barely talk when they're together and Isak enjoys these moments, but if they talk it's mostly about negative things. Isak's family, several hook ups from both of them and now the Yakuzas. They have almost no positive conversations. Or well, they do. It's just the topics of their conversations that aren't good. Most of their talks end on a positive note. But Isak often asked himself if that was enough. Probably not._   
_He was distracted by Chris' hands and lips doing all these things to him, that made Isak almost lose his mind._

_The next morning he is woken up by Chris' lips on his cheek. It's a soft touch._   
_When Chris realized, Isak was awake, he kissed him on the mouth. The kiss deepened soon and Isak wanted to lay there for a bit longer and just enjoy the lips on his for a while._   
_But then he remembered something._   
_"I have to leave." Isak didn't like it, but he had to._   
_"No, you don't" Chris' lips were on Isak's again. Who kissed back for a short moment, before he unwillingly broke the kiss again._   
_"I do. I promised Jonas to meet him today..." Isak didn't remember when exactly he made this promise, but he knew he did. Jonas reminded him of that the day before at school._   
_Chris' expression turned into annoyed, but he kissed Isak again. It was a short kiss, well shorter than the one before and after he said:_   
_"Then go." There was pity in Chris' voice, Isak was able to hear that clearly. Still Jonas was more important for Isak right now._   
_So Isak did as he was told._

 

If Isak would have known how the thing with the Yakuza would go, he would have thought about it again. And probably wouldn't have done it. Or he would have. It was about Jonas after all.

He would do anything for Jonas. Even if it meant it was the beginning of the end of the thing he had with Chris.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm going on vacation tomorrow, or more like today. I'll leave in the evening and I'll be gone for a bit over a week, what means I'll be back at Saturday in a week. In the evening too. During that time there definitely won't be another chapter and I don't know when the next one will be up. I'm not sure if I have time to write...  
> I wanted to finish this chapter before posting the last one, because otherwise I would have posted the last one today...  
> So I don't know when the next chapter will come, but it'll take its time.
> 
> You know what's the worst part about going on vacation is? I won't have access to the internet or if I have only in restaurants, so it would look not so great if I would sit there with my phone watching Skam... So I won't be able to see the last part of Skam until a week later...
> 
> But back to the story: I hope you liked this chapter... Thanks for the comments, Bookmarks, Kudos.


	11. Everything gets worse

Isak can't exactly tell which event led to his thing with Chris stopping but it was probably one of the things that happened the week after Chris offered to help Isak.  
Or maybe it was all of them together.  
That's probably it.  
Anyways, Isak is miserable because of all of them.

 

_Isak stared at the message. As he did for the past minutes. It was from a guy, he didn't know. Isak had no clue who he was or why he messaged him. Looking at his profile Isak found out his name, Eskild, and that this guy was Noora's roommate. But that didn't answer Isak's other question. He wasn't close to Noora. He couldn't even remember talking to her. So why was her roommate messaging him?_  
_Isak wanted to find out. So he wrote back._

So is there a chance I can convince you of coming to me today?

_He was greeted by this text when he woke up. He had to look at the contact more than once to believe and understand who sent it. Chris._  
_Isak wasn't sure what to reply. Did he? Something downstairs, probably in the kitchen, fell down and, judging by the noise, also broke. It was followed by another thing breaking and a mixture between screams and sobs. His mother._  
_He didn't and couldn't deal with that now, so he answered Chris._

Yeah.

_Short and on point. But also didn't sound too excited._  
_Isak got out of his bed, chose to take a shower and brush his teeth, before silently leaving out the front door._

_He knew the way to Chris' house well. He didn't have to think about which turns to take and arrived in front of it soon after left his home._  
_He rang the doorbell and the door in front of him was opened soon after._  
_He wasn't sure what to do when he looked at Chris' grinning face. He wasn't going to kiss or hug him and Chris didn't seem to do or say something either - except for starring at him - so Isak chose to say what was definitely the most awkward "Hey" in history._  
_If possible Chris' grin grew wider and he replied with the same word as Isak, only that it sounded way better. Hotter._  
_He let Isak in, but Isak still didn't know what to do._  
_Luckily this time Chris didn't seem to enjoy Isak's helplessness too much and suggested something himself._  
_So Isak found himself in Chris' room sitting next to Chris and playing video games._  
_Isak liked it._  
_Liked not thinking about his mother._  
_Liked spending time with Chris._  
_Liked spending time with him without constantly kissing him._  
_Liked winning against him._

_"You know I let you win, right?", Chris asked when Isak won again._  
_"Sure. And you're doing a great job at that. I mean you actually really suck a lot.", Isak teased Chris, who didn't seem so pleased by that._  
_"You know you're at my home, right? That means I can throw you out when you're mean." Chris' threat was weak. His way of saying it showed Isak that wasn't what he would do, so Isak didn't worry._  
_"Mean? You call that mean? Why don't you grow yourself a pair of balls?"_  
_"Shouldn't you out of all people know that I already have one?" Chris' question was accompanied by a raised eyebrow and a smirk._  
_And there was this tension between them again. Sexual tension._  
_Isak now officially thought they couldn't go two hours without having that between them. With Chris leaning forward and whispering something in Isak's ear, it only got worse._  
_"And you like licking them, don't you?"_  
_Isak's face turned red, his heart began racing and he was getting a little harder than before._  
_He hated it._  
_He hated what Chris could do to him._  
_He hated what Chris could do to his body._

_Chris apparently liked licking Isak's neck, since that was what he did next. Licking and kissing while his left hand found its way under Isak's shirt._  
_Isak's face went back to its normal color by now, but the rest of his body didn't seem to have gotten the message to go back to normal again._  
_It wasn't the first time Isak was in such a situation with Chris but he didn't know what to do. He didn't touch Chris, only sat there and enjoyed Chris' touching him. Until the first moan left his mouth._  
_For Chris it was the sign of doing much more to Isak. Now both hands were on Isak._  
_For Isak that was the sign of getting his hands on Chris as well._  
_The controller Isak was still holding fell on the floor, where it joined Chris'. Neither of them minded._  
_Soon Isak's shirt fell down as well followed by the rest of the clothes Chris and Isak were wearing._  
_Then it was just Chris and Isak._  
_Isak and Chris._  
_Kissing, licking, moaning, fucking, coming._

_Isak was happy._  
_It could be the feeling an orgasm leaves behind, it could also be the fact he was lying in Chris arms. Or both. Isak couldn't tell and he didn't care in that moment._  
_Lying there was nice but also a little bit strange._  
_Outside it was far from getting dark, they played video games - almost like friends would - and then they fucked._  
_Isak liked it._  
_He liked spending his time, his days with Chris._  
_Isak allowed himself to enjoy the moment for some more time. He barely received things like these from Chris, so he figured he should take as much of it as Chris was willing to give him._  
_They lied there in silence, until - well until a thought came in Isak's head. A thought, he couldn't hold back._

_"You know that somebody could have seen us yesterday, right?" Isak didn't speak loud, it was more a whisper and he played with Chris' hand. Isak didn't expect Chris to actually reply, so when he actually did, Isak was very surprised. The words Chris said surprised him even more. Or more precisely, they shocked him._  
_"Oh, William and Noora saw us."_  
_"What?" Isak lifted his head, so he was able to look at Chris._  
_"Well, they were in William's car. We drove right beside them. I thought you saw them." Isak didn't._  
_"Why didn't you say something?" Isak asked reproachful._  
_"As I said, I thought you saw them. Also I doubt they will tell anyone they saw us. I mean Noora won't find this so interesting and William wouldn't tell anyone something that would lead them to find out about this - if that's what you worry about." Chris pointed from himself to Isak while he was talking. Chris probably intended to calm Isak down with his words, but they did the exact opposite._  
_"William knows?" Isak sounded nearly hysteric now._  
_"Yeah. I mean kind of. It´s not a big deal." Probably another attempt to calm Isak, but there was nothing Chris could say to get this effect._  
_"Not a big deal? Are you fucking kidding me? If anyone finds out, they will think I'm -"_  
_"You're what, Isak? Gay? Is that what you worry about? Seriously?" If Isak had to describe Chris' look, he would choose words like: confident, arrogant, disappointed, sad...?_  
_"I'm not- You know what."_  
_"You can say the word, Isak. Also I think it's funny how you are naked right now and still say that. Besides the word isn't black and white. There are lots of colors. This also goes for sexuality. You don't have to be gay or straight. You can be something in between. And whatever you are, it's not bad. It doesn't matter." Chris looked like he wanted to say more, but Isak stands up abruptly, collects his clothes and gets dressed._  
_"You know you can't run away from your feelings forever!" That's the last thing Chris shouted before Isak was out the door._

_Isak didn't text or call Chris. At school the next day he tried to avoid him, which basically meant to never be where one of his friends was. Chris didn't text or call him either and Isak was glad about that. He believed._

_"So the thing on Friday is on?" When Jonas asked that Isak didn't know what he was talking about at first. Then he remembered. The Yakuzas, the plan, Chris._  
_Isak looked at Jonas, not knowing what to reply, so he just said what he thought Jonas would want to hear:_  
_"Sure." That answer seemed to please Jonas and he changed the topic. Only problem: Isak wasn't so sure it was still on. He had to talk to Chris. Or at least text him. Yeah texting him sounded kind of good._

_That was what Isak thought._  
_He also thought Chris would read his text and reply. But he didn't._  
_Or maybe he read it but didn't reply. Because of how Isak acted the last time they saw each other._  
_Or maybe Chris just didn't receive his text. So he sent another one. And another one. And another one._  
_After his eighth text he figuered Chris was ignoring them._  
_So the next day, he called._  
_Chris didn't pick up._  
_He called again._  
_Chris didn't pick up._  
_He called again._  
_Chris rejected the call._  
_Isak thought this could have been a mistake._  
_So he called again._  
_Chris rejected the call again._  
_Isak didn't try again._

_When he woke up the first thing he did was checking his phone. He hoped for a reply from Chris, but didn't get one._  
_With their plan being supposed to take place only two days later, he decided he needed to talk to Chris today._  
_The problem with that: Chris obviously didn't want to talk to him._

_In school Isak had in mind to try to talk to Chris. But he didn't see him._  
_Or he did. Once._  
_But Chris wasn't alone and neither was Isak._  
_So he signed to Chris, so he would call him._  
_This was for Jonas after all and Isak was pretty sure not too many people saw it._  
_Chris did and that was the important thing here._  
_All he could do now, was to wait for Chris to contact him._

_"Weren't you worried somebody could have seen you today? I mean signing a guy to call you, Isak. I'm impressed." These were the words Isak heard after picking up his phone. Chris voice was bitter and Isak was sure Chris tried to hurt him a bit with his words._  
_"Haha." Isak didn't think that was funny._  
_"We have to talk about Friday." Getting to the point seemed like a good idea. Not giving Chris a chance to talk about other stuff._  
_"We already talked about it." Chris voice was emotionless now._  
_"I know. But I wanted to know if it's still on."_  
_"It is. If you still want it."_  
_"Sure. I mean Jonas does..." Isak felt slightly uncomfortable. Or a lot. Or completely. Yeah completely was right to describe it._  
_"Great. So as we said. You and Jonas look for the Yakuzas and when you spot them, you call me. We will take care about the rest." Isak wasn't able to respond because Chris already hung up on him._

_He ended up doing exactly what Chris told him._  
_He met Jonas and together they went to their lookout._  
_Luckily Jonas didn't asked why the Penetrators wanted to help them anymore. Or how Isak got them to help._  
_Isak didn't even remember the lie he told Jonas._

_Jonas was the one to spot them first._  
_A large group of guys, maybe a bit older than Isak. None of them looked like they were there to have fun and Isak knew they weren't. Unless beating up people seemed like fun to them._  
_It probably did._  
_Isak called Chris - as Chris asked him to do - and after that everything happened so fast._

_He spotted Chris in the group of guys from their school. All of them third years and Penetrators._  
_There was screaming. From the Yakuzas and the Penetrators._  
_A Yakuza started the fight physically and at first there was just some more screaming. Until-_  
_Well until Isak heard glass break. It didn't take long to figure out what broke._  
_A bottle._  
_A bottle that William broke on somebody's head._  
_With that the fight escalated._  
_Everybody was hitting who he could reach._  
_Neither Jonas nor Isak participated in it. Looking at it was enough for them._  
_Then suddenly there was the police._  
_They took the names of everybody, including Isak, Jonas and the girls minus Noora - Isak had no clue where they came from, then they were allowed to leave._  
_Unsure of what to do, Isak and Jonas stayed for some minutes until most of the others were gone._  
_There were only a few Penetrators remaining, including Chris and William._  
_"Come on, let's go.", Jonas said and after looking at Chris one last time, he followed Jonas._

 

From that day Isak could count the days he had left with Chris. There weren't a lot. However Jonas was fine. And that was one positive point in Isak's life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... I am so super sorry, guys. Seriously. I haven't posted in almost two months...  
> Well I was on vacation for a week... I didn't really wrote anything there... One word. Or more a name... Isak... And after... I don't know. I didn't have the time or the motivation to write. Mainly because I had some things going on.  
> Anyways I am so sorry and I hope you're still reading this.  
> I can't say when the next chapter will be up, because I haven't written it... But I wrote this chapter in the last 2 or maybe 3 days, so I hope it won't take too long and the motivation to write will last a little.
> 
> Again: I'm sorry.


	12. Everything breaks apart

Looking back at it now, Isak could still hardly understand how he got here. Chris was a part of it, but after the fight a lot of things came together. A lot of bad things. With only one of them Isak would have probably been able to live his life like he did before. If he only had to deal with one of his problems, he would have been able to keep pretending everything was fine.

 

_The day after the fight Isak hadn’t heard from Chris. He was starting to get worried, even though he knew Chris wasn’t arrested. He didn’t know what happened after Chris left the place where the party was but he saw the police leaving. However he didn’t know if the Yakuzas started another fight. He didn’t want to call Chris or even text him, so he didn’t. Their last talk still stuck with Isak. He knew Chris was probably right but he wouldn’t admit it. He couldn’t admit it._

_Isak’s phone rang. Hope started to build up in him. And was destroyed again immediately_  
_It was Jonas. Isak took the call and ended up spending the day with Jonas and not thinking about Chris the whole time._

_Most of Isak’s days looked like this. He left the house, went to school and hung out with Jonas and some others. Same boring life he lived before he first met Chris. The life he lived before the thing between him and Chris started._

_Well it was almost the same. His mother still wasn’t in the best mental state, so life at home was better on some days, worse on others. Isak couldn’t tell what the reasons for his mother’s bad days were since the only trigger he knew about was his father and he completely avoided this topic. Not just when he was with her but also with his friends and he even tried not to think about it. On the most days it worked, however when his mother was in a bad state, he thought about his father again. And when he did, he felt nothing but hate. Well maybe hate was a bit hard, but he certainly wasn’t happy about it._

_He received the text two weeks after the fight._

Can I come over?

_His heart started beating faster when he read it. He waited so long for this text, he couldn’t stop his excitement. But he didn’t want to show this to Chris, so he just texted back:_

Yes.

_Half an hour later the door bell rang. Isak tried not to storm down the stairs to open it. Still his heart beat faster than it would have when he ran down the stairs. He took a deep breath and then he opened the door._  
_Chris smirked. Isak swallowed and waited for the other to speak._  
_“Can I come in?” Chris asked and Isak made room for him to come in. he didn’t trust his voice not to break when he speaks, so he didn’t._  
_Together they walked to Isak’s room. Isak wanted Chris to say something, but he also craved Chris’ lips on his own. His hands on his body. When he felt the lips and the hands, Isak forgot about the talking._

_Isak was lying on his stomach, his head on his arms, facing Chris, who was on his side, looking at Isak. Chris smiled weakly, put his left hand on Isak’s cheek and said the words that broke Isak’s heart:_  
_“This has to stop.”_  
_“What?” Isak’s voice was weak. He was shocked and hurt but he couldn’t tell Chris that._  
_“We can’t keep doing this. We both knew this was going to end at some point and I think we have reached that point now. So I guess, that is why I came here. To tell you, I mean.” When he finished speaking he stood up, got dressed and slipped out of the door._  
_Without another kiss._  
_Without another touch._  
_Without another word._  
_He just left._  
_Left Isak all alone._  
_That’s when the tears started streaming down his face._

_Isak’s life was shit. There wasn’t a better word to describe it. His heart hurt._  
_Hurt when he was at school and saw Chris._  
_Hurt when he was at home looking around and remembering everything he did with Chris in there._  
_Hurt when he was doing anything really._  
_When he thought Chris not replying to any of his texts, not taking any of his calls was bad, he didn’t know how bad this was. It didn’t matter what he was doing, he wasn’t happy._  
_Jonas noticed something was up and Isak told him it was his family. Well that was bad too but not the reason he was like this. It was just, he couldn’t tell Jonas._  
_For some days he tried to live his life, went to school, and met his friends. He thought it was possible that it would get better. Then he come back home from school at this Friday._  
_If he just didn’t go home that day._

_He heard the voices when he opened the door. At first he thought his mom had the TV on, then he got to the living room._  
_He saw two people in there. His parents._  
_His father was back. Isak hoped for the best but his hope was destroyed when he heard his father saying:_  
_“I’m not coming back. Not until you try to get better. Judging by what I see, that won’t be for a long time, so I guess I should leave again. I don’t want you to contact me again. I have my life to live. I can’t have you in it right now.” His dad stood up and walked in his direction. Spotting Isak for the first time he stopped._  
_“Isak.”_  
_Isak didn’t want him to talk to him. So he just turned around and stormed in his room._  
_When he thought his mom’s past breakdowns were bad, he was wrong. Maybe he should start expecting everything to be 20 times worse than at the worst point he was before in every aspect of his life. Maybe then he was ready for the bad parts in his life. Even if this wasn’t nearly as bad as his life was right now._  
_Downstairs his mom was crying, screaming and breaking stuff._  
_Upstairs in his room all he could think about was Chris._  
“This has to stop.”  
“I’m not coming back.”  
_The sound of glass breaking and his mother’s scream downstairs._  
_Isak couldn’t take this anymore._

 

That was the moment the world around him crashed completely. And being a teenager he knew exactly how to deal with this. Getting drunk.

 

_Isak didn’t where he was but from the outside he could tell it was a bar but he didn’t notice it wasn’t a well… a normal bar. He didn’t notice that there were almost only men in the bar. All he cared about in that moment was to get alcohol. Loads of it. He couldn’t really tell when he realized that the bar he was in at the moment wasn’t like most others, maybe it was the third time another guy approached him and kind of flirted with him (The first time Isak didn’t get the other meant him and when he did he just shrugged, so the other left him alone again. The second time Isak was busy thinking about the fact that the other looked kind of like Jonas, so he didn’t speak to him either.). The kind of in that case meant the other guy practically asked him to go home with him. In more subtle words. Isak didn’t get that. He just stared at the guy shortly, already too drunk to see clearly. The other saw his missing excitement clearly and just ordered a new drink. When he got it, he walked away; Isak didn’t look at him again._  
_“Heartbroken?” Isak looked up when he heard the voice. The barkeeper._  
_Isak frowned._  
_“Well you’re just sitting here drinking and – sorry for my honesty – look a little bit miserable. Also no matter who comes up to you and ignore them. And if you want my opinion, they aren’t that ugly. So I figured you’re might going through a break up at the moment.” The barkeeper explained. With a slightly open mouth Isak looked at him while he did so and when he finished, he just nodded. He didn’t know why he did so, but when he heard ‘heartbroken’ his thoughts went straight to Chris. ‘Break up’ might not be totally fitting here, but Isak felt like pretending at least Chris cared more about him than he showed, in contrary to his dad._  
_“Yeah I’ve been there. Trust me it’ll get better. I mean I have no clue what he did but it’ll stop hurting.” Normally Isak would freak out right now. Normally he would pretend s if it wasn’t a guy who hurt him. But he was too drunk for that. He didn’t realize the other wasn’t supposed to know about this. Isak sent a weak smile in the direction of the barkeeper who smiled back and then turned to another customer._  
_Maybe it will get better. The thing with Chris probably will. But Isak doubted this also was true for his family._

_He lost track of time long ago when he heard another voice next to him:_  
_“Aren’t you Noora’s and Eva’s friend?” Isak moved his head a little to see a guy standing there who look oddly familiar._  
_“I’m Eskild. We chatted some time ago. In case you don’t remember.” So that was why he looked familiar._  
_“What are you doing here? It’s –“He looked at his phone. “Almost 2 a.m. Shouldn’t you be at home? Besides aren’t you a little too young to be in a bar anyways?” Isak stared at him until he realized the other probably expected him to say something._  
_“I… don’t wanna … home.” He mumbled._  
_“I think you definitely should go home. Come on I’ll take you there.” Eskild offered._  
_“No. Don’t wannna.” Isak whined. He couldn’t go home again. He couldn’t see his mother again._  
_“Well, do you have somewhere else to go?” Did he? He thought about going to Jonas, but neither Jonas nor his family would like Isak to show up at their door this late… or this early. He didn’t have anywhere else to go, so he shook his head, which lead to the other guy sighing._  
_“Great.” He mumbled more to himself than to Isak and then said:_  
_“If you want to, you can come to my place.” Eskild offered and Isak thought about accepting it at first._  
_“But-“_  
_“If you worry about Noora, I can let you sleep in the basement. I mean, no one goes there, so she won’t find you.” Isak nods in agreement. Together they leave the bar with Eskild stabilize Isak while walking ‘cause the other couldn’t walk in a straight line without support. They took a cab, which Eskild paid for, to go to the flat. Isak’ glad about it. Less walking for him._  
_Eskild lead Isak straight to the basement told him to wait there (As if Isak was able to walk away.) and got Isak a pillow and a blanket, so he could sleep there. Eskild explained Isak he would wake him the next (or the same) day but the other boy hardly understood this anymore, because he was half asleep by that time._

_The next day Isak woke up and didn’t know where he was. His head hurt like never before in his life and the poor lighting in the room was already too bright. He tried to think back to the evening before. He remembered he went to this bar and that he drank. A lot. He still didn’t know where he was._  
_“Oh you’re awake. Awesome. Then you won’t get angry at me because I have to wake you.” A kind of familiar voice said to him. When he saw the face he realized where he was and who the other guy was._  
_“You’re Noora’s roommate.”_  
_“Yes. I’m the amazing Eskild. And I brought you breakfast and aspirin.” He handed all of what he brought to Isak, who took the tablet right away._  
_“So, do you want to tell me why you were in a gay bar at 2 in the morning and didn’t want to go home?” Isak choked on the water he was drinking and coughed._  
_“Gay bar?” Well maybe that was the moment Isak realized where he was exactly._  
_“Yeah. I thought you knew.”_  
_“I didn’t. Look, I’m not… I’m not like that.”_  
_“It’s okay, Isak. You don’t have to explain yourself. Just tell me why you didn’t want to go home.”_  
_“I… Home isn’t that great right now.” Isak didn’t feel like telling a stranger more than that._  
_“Okay. You don’t have to tell me, but if you change your mind, you can some to me.” He offered and Isak nodded._  
_“I’m guessing right when I say you haven’t changed your mind on that, right?” Another nod followed._  
_“You can stay here for a while. But make sure no one sees you. And maybe you should definitely go home and change. And take a shower. And bring some clothes with you, so you can also change here. We could try to smuggle you in our bathroom every now and then, but Linn literally never leaves our flat, so she could see you. Well if she left her room. Which she doesn’t. But Isak let me tell you one thing: Whatever is going on at home, you have to go back eventually. You can’t stay in our basement forever.” Eskild looked at him a last time before he left him alone again, after saving his number in Isak’s phone._

_Later that day, when his hangover was better, Isak actually went home._  
_He sneaked in, took a shower, brushed his teeth and got some cloths and other things he might need._  
_Eskild sent him some plans to pull this off and Isak couldn’t get why he deserved a stranger doing all this for him._

 

And now, now Isak is sitting in the basement again thinking about how he got here. From the first time Chris kissed him to their ‘break up’. From the time his father moved out to the last time he came back. He’s thinking about his mom’s breakdowns. About Eva and Jonas (and Chris). About the good times he had with Chris and about their fights.  
He’s asking himself how he got here and finds the answer in all of these things combined.  
Isak is glad to be here. No more yelling from his parents, he doesn’t hear his mom cry and nothing in here reminds him of Chris.  
Chris has never been in here. He doesn’t have to look at his bed and think about Chris kissing him there. He doesn’t have to think about Chris doing all these things to him. Doesn’t have to think about what Chris said to him. And he isn’t reminded of their fights.  
So if he doesn’t have all these things around him, why isn’t he feeling good?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey  
> I am so, so sorry for not updating in over 3 months. But my life changed completely in those and I was busy doing other stuff. I should do something else right now as well, but I needed a break. So I finally finished this chapter.  
> I didn’t want to write something I don’t like at all, just to update this sooner. Well I’m not entirely happy with the part about Isak’s dad, since it’s too short, but I didn’t know what else to write.
> 
> So I want to explain something regarding the story now. You might have noticed the beginning and the end of the chapters being in present tense, while the middle is in past tense. This was on purpose. I tried to write it like Isak looked back at everything that happened while he was in the basement. I don’t know if anyone was able to get this from my story, so I put it here.  
> So now we’re in the present, which means the way the story looks will change with the next chapter. 
> 
> Again, I’m sorry for not updating in so long.  
> But I have to say, this could be the last chapter this year (I know, sounds crazy), since I have a lot going on ‘til the mid of December. I don’t know if I’m able to update after, because I have to be creative…
> 
> So I don’t know when you’ll read from me again, I hope soon.  
> I also hope you liked this chapter :)  
> I’m sorry if you read all of this.


	13. Everything goes wrong

His back hurts.  
His head hurts.  
His neck hurts.  
His eyes hurt.  
His heart hurts.  
Isak‘s body hurts.  
Partly because of the uncomfortable sleeping situation he‘s in right now, the rest because of the evening - or night - before he fell asleep, being totally exhausted while one or two - actually more - tears left his eyes. His life is in pieces right now.

His parents aren‘t together anymore, his father left them. Chris and Isak are over - Isak still doesn‘t know what they had. He isn‘t living at home; he is sleeping in a fucking basement. He feels like he is lying to Jonas, his best friend (He actually is.).  
Every day he feels like he‘s losing control over his life more and more.

The fact that today‘s Monday doesn‘t make his life better. It‘s his first school day since he moved out of his home (If you can call it moving out.) and he maybe got two hours of sleep the previuos night. His phone tore him out of his sleep earlier than he he is used to, so he can sneak upstairs as soon as Eskild texts him it‘s safe for him to do so. He has no clue how long they can pull this off but he hopes he can stay here for a while. It may not be perfect - the opposite actually - but it isn‘t home. So this is an improvement.

They manage to sneak Isak in and out of the apartment without him being seen by anyone. After he was able to use the bathroom, he felt a little bit better, although he was still far from feeling good. Isak leaves the building that became his home couple of days ago to grab something to eat before school.

When he arrives at school, he spots Jonas and joins him. They greet each other but Isak just shrugs Jonas‘ question about how he is off. He thought about telling Jonas about his living situation but decided against it. He doesn‘t need someone feeling sorry for him or trying to help him, he wants to pretend everything was fine. He knows Jonas wouldn‘t judge him for leaving home but he would also try to help him and make him talk about everything and Isak doesn‘t want that.

The situation he‘s in couldn‘t be worse right now but Isak prefers spending time alone, pitying himself, to talking about his feelings and having someone else pitying him. There‘s no way he could tell Jonas the whole story, so why should he tell him half of it?  
Besides, it‘s not like Isak spends his whole day in the basement. The opposite actually. He spends the afternoon with Jonas - without talking too much - and only goes to his sleeping accommodation in the evening.  
He can‘t do a lot of things in the basement, so why should he spend his day there? At least he‘s able to charge his phone down there, otherwise his life would be even more miserable.

The next few days feel like they‘re all the same. Isak snkeaks out of the basemant, without Noora or Linn seeing him, he goes to school tries to spend the afternoon with something and sneaks into the basement in the evening again.  
He does all that while he tries not to think about his parents or Chris. He actually got pretty good at avoiding these thoughts, but sometimes his brain hates him and shows him pictures of something that happened with one of them. The only thing that is needed to trigger that is somebody saying soemthing that reminds him of either his partens or Chris.  
Nevertheless he can say he‘s fine. In general. Kind of. Not having to worry about his mother‘s mental state all day before he goes home feels good. He doesn‘t have to worry about what‘ll expect him there.  
And he doesn‘t think about Chris so much anymore. The first one or two days he spent living in the basement Chris was practically the only thing he was thinking about. Well with a little bit of his family life added.  
After having splept in a basement for a week he thinks life can only become better from now on.

When he leaves for school the following Monday he thinks it‘s weird how normal it feels to sleep in the basement. To sneak out of there everyday, to go to school and pretend everything is fine, spending his afternoon with Jonas (or sometimes alone) and sneaking back in the basement in the evening.  
It feels normal and Isak is kind of terrified of what that means.

“Isak“, he hears someone call out as soon as he is on school ground. He‘d recognize that voice out of millions - it belongs to his best friend afer all.  
He goes over to Jonas, who starts talking again when Isak stands in front of him:  
“Have you been called in as well?“ Isak has no clue what Jonas is talking about. He raises his eyebrows to signal to Jonas he doesn‘t understand.  
“You haven‘t?“ Well, that wasn‘t what Isak was trying to say.  
“I don‘t know. What do you even mean?“ Now Jonas is the one who looks confused but in contrary to Jonas Isak is actually able to read his best friends face expressions.  
“Well I‘ve gotten a letter from the police... They want me - and other - to go there, so they can question us.“  
“Why?“  
“Because of the fight that happened at the Penetrators‘ party. They decided to investigate the whole thing abpout William smashing the bottle on this guy‘s head. They even called my parentens! Didn‘t they call your-“ Jonas stops himself, knowing he maybe shouldn‘t mention Isak‘s family situation.  
“I don‘t know..." How could he if he hasn‘t been home the past week or so? “I‘ll check later, okay?“  
“Yeah...“ They don‘t continue talking about it after that, but Isak‘s mood is pretty down after this talk. He has to go home. He needs to go home and check wheather he received a letter as well - which he probably did. Fantastic.

Isak goes home the next day. He couldn‘t bring himself to go home the day before, but since he has to know wheather he‘ll be questioned, he goes on Tuesday.  
After school the first thing he does is going back to the basement that is currently occupied by him to get some of his stuff from down there. He puts most of his his dirty clothes in a bag and leaves after a few minutes.  
On the way to his fmily home he checks his phone and sees he‘s been added to a new group.  
The first message in it is form Eva, who explains that all of them have been called in to be questioned abput the fight at the party. He reads through the messages of Eva‘s freinds and Jonas with the that Vilde‘s message being the last.  
Right in the moment he reds that one another message comes in.  
From Eva:

_Thursday_   
_Isak?_

He‘d answer her question if he could. Since he can‘t he just texts back:

_Yo_   
_No idea. I‘ll check._

Then he turns off his phone.  
The nearer he is to his home, the slower he walks. He doesn‘t want to go home, he doesn‘t want to read this letter, he doesn‘t want to see his mother, he doesn‘t want to be questioned by the police about something he kind of planned with Chris. Sure, they didn‘t plan for William to attack someone with a bottle, but they planned the fight.  
He‘s at the beginning of his street now and his heart begins racing. He trys to keep calm but he can‘t. He breaths fast, although he especially concentrates on normalizing his breathing.  
He arrives at the front door, so now he can‘t walk slowly anymore, so he‘ll have more time before he‘s home. With a queasy feeling he opens the door and calls out a silent:  
“Mamma?“  
It‘s quiet; he doesn‘t hear anything, so he goes in.

He opens the mailbox, takes the letters inside out and then looks for the one from the police. The rest of them aren‘t adressed to him, so he puts them and his bag down before walking into the kitchen. He ate at school but he could take something with him for this evening.  
He opens the fridge. Empty.  
With a sigh he looks around the kitchen. Nothing. Or not much, but he can‘t really take pasta with him. The rest of the - once - edible things in the kitchen look like their good days have been when Isak was still living here. He throws some of the things out, that really can‘t be eaten anymore. Looking at the two apples that are still good, he decides not to take them with him.  
Isak leaces the kitchen, takes his bag and slowly makes his way upstairs, trying not to make any noise. The door to his parents‘ - his mother‘s - room is closed, which probably means his mom is in there. He leans the side of his head on the door trying to hear something. He doesn‘t. Carefully he opens the door and finds his mother sleeping. Not wanting to wake her up - and definetly not talking to her - he closes the door again and goes in his room.  
He throughs the clothes inside on the floor gets some things out of the closet and then fastly but cautious not to make any sound, he leaves the hoouse.

Outside he takes a deep breath. He decides to take a few steps away from the house and then opens the letter from the police. Inside there‘s the information for him to come there on Monday. Remembering the group he wants to share the newfound information with the others and gets his phone out again.  
There are several new messages and Isak reads them first.  
It‘s just Jonas and the girls talking about what they‘ll tell the police. Then he sees it.  
He sees the message. The message from him.

_Halla, if you all shut up this will all work out just fine, talk to you later._

Isak swollows. He didn‘t expect that. He didn‘t expect Chris to be a part of this group. He thought this was the girls, Jonas and him. Noone else. Of course, if he had thought about it, he could have come to the conclusion they would want to talk to one of the Penetrators about this as well. So they needed at least one of them to agree upon what they‘ll all say. With the girls only being liked to two of the Penetrators and one of them being William, with whom they probably don‘t want to talk about that, the only other solution was Chris.  
Without reading the other messages Isak outs his phone away and starts walking. He doesn‘t have a place he wants to go to and he doesn‘t care, he just walks. He wants to get the thought about Chris that started in his head when he saw his message to go away. He doesnt want to think about all those moments, all those hours they‘ve spent together. He doesn‘t want to think about how whatever they had ended. He doesn‘t want think about Chris. He doesn‘t want to be sad and he doesn‘t want to feel unwanted again.  
Chris hurt him, but Isak doesn‘t want to feel hurt. He doesn‘t want anyone to think - to know - that he‘s hurt - or worse: who hurt him.  
While walking he tries to get his mind away from things. He tries not to start crying. With the letter he‘s successful. He blinks the tears away as soon as they start forming.  
He lost track of time, but eventually slows down until he stands still. Observing his surroundings he immeediately knows where he is, just a few miutes away from the skate park. For a lack of a better option he goes there. He only finds a few skaters there - noone he knows personally - and sits down somewhere on the side.

He watches the boys for a few minutes before getting bored and taking out his phone. Noone in the group sent another message, but he received several from Eskild.

_Noora knows._

Isak turns pale.

_Apparently some neighbours saw you or whatever and complained._

No, no, no.

_Noora went downstairs today, found the bedding and some of your stuff._   
_She told me I have to stop letting you live there._   
_She doesn‘t know it‘s you who lives there though._

This can‘t be happening. Sure, Isak knew he couldn‘t live in the basement forever, but just a few nights more. Would that have been so bad?

_I guess you can‘t stay there anymore._   
_I‘m sorry._   
_Can we meet up, so I can give you your things?_   
_Isak?_

Isak texts him back and after five minutes they agreed on a place near the flat to meet up. Isak leaves the skate park to go there. As soon as he does he texts Eskild and waits a few minutes until he spots the young man carrying a bag.  
Eskild walks up to Isak and starts rambling about how sorry he is. Isak interrupts him:  
“It‘s fine. I knew I couldn‘t live there forever.“  
“Yeah, but- Your parents and -“  
“It‘s fine, I‘ll find something.“  
“You‘re sure.“  
“Yeah, and thank you, Eskild. For letting me live there.“  
“No problem.“  
They share a few other words, before Esklid leaves. Again Isak is at a point where he doesn‘t know what to do. He could go home, but he doesn‘t want to. But he also doesn‘t want to sleep on the street. However he doesn‘t have any other option. Or maybe, just maybe there is one.  
This time he knows where he‘ll go, with each step his hope getting stronger, maybe he‘ll have a place to sleep after all.

He rings the door bell and waits for the door in front of him being opened. He probably only waits for a few seconds but it feels like minutes or even hours. If this doesn‘t work out he has to go home. There‘s no other place he could go except here.  
“Isak? What are you doing here?“ The boy in front of him looks at him questioningly.  
“I was wondering if I could ask for a favour.“ Isak starts and Jonas wouldn‘t be Jonas if he didn‘t let his best friend stay the night - or maybe longer - without asking questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Hey  
>  So, I know I haven‘t updated this in like over 5 months. I know and I feel bad - in case anyone still reads this.  
> I can‘t really explain what happened... I kinds of had some other things and I lost my motivation to write... I‘m sorry.  
> However I think like 3 weeks ago I received a comment on this story and this gave me some of my motivation back. Added to that I‘ve been following the other versions on Skam (I don‘t want to give my opinion on them here.) and through them I wanted to write for that story again...  
> So now I did and I finished this chapter, so I uploeaded it...  
> I hope the next on won‘t take me as long as this one...  
> Again I‘m sorry and I hope you enjoyed this chapter.


	14. Everything can‘t turn out to be good

Isak has spent the past nights with Jonas. He‘s glad to have a friend like him, someone who gets his parents to allow a friend of him to sleep at their home without asking for a reason. Sure, Jonas‘ parents have known Isak for years and probably like him, so they don‘t mind having him around but letting a 16 year old sleep at their home for a few days isn‘t considered tto be normal by a lot of people.  
When he woke up on Wednesday morning and looked at his phone for the first time, he realized he‘ll be 17 in only 3 three weeks. Even a year ago he‘d be excited about his birthday but now, now he isn‘t. His life is in pieces and he doesn‘t know where he‘ll sleep when his birthday comes. He might be able to spent the next few nights with Jonas, at least until the weekend, but longer than that? Probably not.  
He knows he can‘t live with Jonas for the rest of his life, so he should better figure out what he‘ll do soon.  
By the time Friday arrives, Isak still has no answer to that question. Friday is the day he starts really worrying about the answer for that. He was worried before, but at Friday he realizes he has like one or two days left of staying with Jonas until Jonas‘ parents start asking questions or worse: Call his parents.  
In case they‘d do the latter they found out about Isak‘s life right now and about the fact that it is in pieces. Of course Jonas knows his father left his family and that his mother isn‘t well, but he knows Jonas doesn‘t imagine it to be as bad as it is. Given that neither of his parents have contaced him the last week, Isak is pretty sure his mother didn‘t even realize he was gone. Isak can‘t tell weather that‘s good or bad.  
He has no money to spend a few nights in a hotel, he doesn‘t want to ask his father where he is, so he can live with him and he doesn‘t have friends who‘d let him stay with them other than Jonas. He cones to the conclusion he has to go home and live with his mother again. Well, maybe he can avoid her most of the time. If he left early in the morning and only came back home late in the evening, then - maybe - he doesn‘t have to interact with her and also doesn‘t have to be confronted with her mental state. Maybe he‘s able to pretend. Just a little bit longer.

“I have a party we‘ll go to tonight.“ Jonas says and makes Isak look at him.  
“Yeah?“ Isak sounds intrested, but actually he isn‘t. He doesn‘t feel like partying tonight.  
“Yes. At William‘s. With the Penetrators, but Eva, Noora and the other girls will be there as well. Oh and some others of course. Isabel is coming with us.“ Jonas tells him, but Isak doesn‘t really follow his words after ‘At William‘s.‘. If the parts is William‘s Chris will definitely be there. He‘s William‘s best friend after all. Isak‘s pretty sure his face turned a little paler when Jonas said it but he can‘t have Jonas realizing something is up. Something that isn‘t related to his family.  
“Uhm... Yeah, sounds great.“ Isak tries to sound happy, fails pretty much, but Jonas doesn‘t seem to notice. He takes in a deep breath and closes his eyes shortly. He doesn‘t want to think about Chris. He doesn‘t want to think about Chris kissing him. He doesn‘t want to be remembered of all those nights. He is though.  
He gets flashbacks of the moments, all the little things between them. The good, but mainly the bad ones. He has this bitter feeling again. He‘s upset. Jonas didn‘t even mention Chris‘ name and Isak feels like this. When metioning Chris‘ best friend does that to him, what will actually seeing Chris do to him?  
Isak feels his eyes getting wet, so he turns away from Jonas and pretends to look at something on his phone.  
‘Don‘t cry. Don‘t cry. Don‘t cry.‘ He repeats in his head. That would be the thing he needs the least in this moment. He can‘t cry in front of Jonas. It wouldn‘t be the first time, but because Jonas is a good friend - a good person - he‘d ask what‘s up with him and Isak would very likely end up telling him everything. Literally everthing. Every little thing he tried to hide the past year. The past years. He can‘t tell him. He can‘t tell him about Chris. He can‘t ever tell anyone about Chris. They‘d think- Isak can‘t have anyone think that. Ever.  
He‘s not ready for Jonas looking at him differently. He‘s not ready for anyone looking at him differently.

He‘s distracted by his phone vibrating in his hand and in that way telling him he‘s received a new message. He opens it and the content starts a new thinking process.

_Heard you‘ll be at this party tonight. No worries I‘ll pretend I‘ve never met you._

When he saw Esklid‘s name he was wondering what he could want from him, but this explains it. Esklid will be there tonight. If anyone notices they know each other, he‘ll be fucked. He can‘t really explain where they‘ve met. He didn‘t know he walked into a gay bar at the time he did, but who would believe him? Noone.  
And going home with a gay guy? People would think something happened.

“Someone important?“ Jonas asked and jumps a little.  
“N-no. N-noone. I mean it‘s nothing important.“ Isak stutters and hopes Jonas will still buy it. The other looks at him obviously searching for some kind of emotion but doesn‘t seem to find what he was looking for, so he just nods.  
Isak turns back to his phone and sends Eskild a quick

_Thanks._

“So about tonight, I think when we arrive there at like 18:30 that would be good. By what I heard most people will be there by then, so it won‘t be boring, I hope.“ Jonas seems to have decided the text wasn‘t important and started planning their evening again.  
“Okay.“ Isak agrees mainly because he doesn‘t care. He doesn‘t really want to go, but it seems like he has to.

A few hours later he finds himself getting ready for this party next to Jonas. Or Jonas who was next to him a second ago and now walks through his room looking for something.  
“Have you seen my belt? I thought I put it here somewhere, but I can‘t find it.“ He explains what he‘s doing before Isak can ask.  
“No, I haven‘t. You can take mine though.“ He offers to get Jonas to stop making a mess out of his room.  
“Really?“ Jonas stops and looks at Isak, who nods.  
“Sure.“ He goes to the pile of his stuff in the corner next to Jonas‘ bed and grabs the belt - one of the things Eskild handed to him the past Tuesday - and hands it to Jonas.  
“It even goes with your outfit, in case you‘re wondering.“ He says it jokingly but bites on his lip anyway after the sentence came out. Could he sound gayer? Hopefully Jonas took it as the joke it was supposed to be since Isak can‘t take it back.  
Jonas laughs and a stone falls from Isak‘s heart.  
“Great. Thank you.“

It‘s a little past 18:30 when they arrive at the party. Jonas was right, there are already a lot of people talking, drinking and dancing (If you can call that dancing.). They greet a few people, before Jonas leads him to a group with only familiar faces. He finds himself in front ofEva, Chris - the girl fortunately - Noory and Eskild. Eskild the one, who shouldn‘t be familiar to him. The one, who gets nervous when he spots him - so much to pretending he doesn‘t know him. But the others around them don‘t seem to notice, so Isak acts like they‘ve never met. He hugs Eva - which feels weird since they‘re not friends anymore. He can‘t remember when they spoke for the last time. After that hug Noora introduces him to Eskild. Noora, who he‘s never really spoken to either.  
“You have to meet Isak.“ Eskild actually has, but her seemingly not knowing that means she doesn‘t know he was the one sleeping in their basement.  
“Hi! Eskild.“ They shake hands.  
“Isak.“ He introduces himself again. Since Eskild obviously knows who he is, he feels weird introducing him, but he has to - for the act. He tries to thank Eskild with his eyes, but the other is introduced to Jonas, so he, most likely, didn‘t see it.  
Next thing Isak knows is they‘re talking about blowjobs. He feels uncomfortable, but can‘t show that to the others, who are all laughing. He smiles and is relieved when the topic suddenly changes to a jacket. He doesn‘t really listen - it‘s not like he cares - he just laughs a little when everyone else is.

Noora leaves them and Isak takes her place at the side, away from the partying people around him. Away from the people drinking and having fun. From his position he has a great view over the party - unfortunately. First thing he spots is Chris‘ back - boy Chris‘ back. Chris, who is going inside, but he isn‘t alone. A girl is with him. Judging by her beeing all over him it‘s pretty clear what they‘re up to. His mood wasn‘t good when he arrived at the party, now it‘s even worse.  
Jonas drags him in a conversation he only half heartedly follows. He‘d lie if he said he‘s not satisfied when he sees Chris and the girl - Sara - come back way too early for something to have happened. His mood increases and now he‘s actually following the conversation he‘s been in for some minutes now. Time passes and they are joined by Isabel and Eva, which means Isak doesn‘t have to do a lot to keep the conversation alive, the other three will do that on their own. He doesn‘t follow what they‘re talking about, just thinks about stuff, looks at Chris, who‘s not near Sara anymore, thinks about what they shared - again - thinks about his partens, thinks about what happened the past year. And he thinks about his future. He doesn‘t come up with any plans, he just realizes - again - he‘ll be 17 in less than three weeks, others his age have already planned out their lifes and he doesn‘t even know where he‘ll sleep next week.  
He‘s in thoughts until Eva catches his attention:  
“Oh, cool belt!“ She plays with Jonas‘ - Isak‘s - belt a little.  
“Is it?“ Jonas answers and Isak interferes:  
“Are you taking the credit for that belt?“  
“Is it yours?“ Isak thinks it‘s impressive how normal Eva and Jonas can act around each other now.  
“Yes, it‘s Isak‘s.“ Isak smiles and this time it‘s a genuine one. If Jonas and Eva both got over their breakup, then maybe he can get through his problems as well. Eva friends seem to bhe a big part of why she‘s over it by now and Isak help Jonas a little to get over Eva (He‘s the one that ruined their relationship, so that‘s the least he could have done.), which means they both had friends to help them.  
“Ah, I see.“  
“All his coolest clothes are actually mine.“ Isak jokes. With that he starts being an active part in their conversation and maybe he enjoys it. If he has friends - and Jonas will always be one for him - his life doesn‘t have to be as bad as it was the past week. They can help him get through his problems at home - or make them easier. Added to that they - or at least Jonas - can help him get over Chris. Even when they don‘t know what they‘re doing.  
They can also help him figure out his living situation, he only has to talk to somebody. He talked to Eskild and he helped him, without even knowing him, so his friends - especially his best one - would do the same.  
His life is far from perfect right now, he has problems, he knows it and he can do something against it. Maybe he can even be happy again, just like the people around him. He only has to let others help him. Perhaps some parts of his life start being good again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I have to say, I‘m pretty fast this time. I‘ve finished this chapter the day after I uploaded the last one. With this one I sat down and wrote this pretty much in one go.  
> I expected this chapter to be shorter than it turned out to be (it‘s still not long though) but I wanted to end with the end of season 2, but then it became a little longer anyway, so it doesn‘t really matter.  
> I received a lot of comments for the last chapter, so thank you guys for that. Actually I also planned on posting this on the weekend, but I‘ve finished the chapter after this and the chapter after that one is also almost finished, so I decided to post it today. See this as a thank you for sticking around after such a long break.  
> Hope you've enjoyed this chapter.


	15. Forgetting your past isn‘t easy

“I spotted them on Friday.“ He‘s in a bathtub in Eva‘s house with Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi, talking about - what else - girls.  
“Yeah this is some good shit.“ Isak says and doesn‘t only mean the obvious but also thanks who ever - or what ever - some people believe in for being high right now. Ever since they started to hang out with Mahdi and also doing more with Magnus than they used to, the boys - including Jonas - only seemed to talk and care about one thing: girls.  
It annoyed Isak pretty soon, but he had to pretend. Pretend he was into girls - this is normal after all. Pretend he‘s fine - he‘s not and he hasn‘t been for months, but he can‘t show that to anyone. Pretend he cared about the boys going on about all those girls, giving his opinion on them - well his lies on them. Pretend there was something he‘s living for other than getting drunk and high at random parties - except watching Narcos and play video games.  
“So hot, both her and Emilie.“ Mahdi says and Isak has to disagree.  
“Nah.“ Probably the only thing he said today he really means.  
“She‘s not fuckable.“ And wow. Isak shoots out truths right now. The three around him don‘t seem to agree though.  
“What?!“  
“What do you think? What do you think?“ Thanks, Jonas for repeating that, but Isak actually caught that the first time. Isak thinks about what to answer now, but Mahdi does before he has the chance:  
“What I‘m thinking is that she‘s fuckable.“  
“Yes.“  
“And that Emilie...“  
“Emilie is even hotter!“  
“She‘s definitely fuckable.“ Maybe it‘s because he‘s high, but his brain wants him to be a part of this conversation again, so the others won‘t wonder why he doesn‘t say anything else.  
“What happened to you guys, getting such low standards...“ Great, now he‘s also insulted his friends...  
“What‘s up with you, man?“ Jonas asked and hes not the only one wondering that:  
“You‘re talking about standards, yet you should be a lot less picky, considering how ugly you are.“ Mahdi isn‘t the most charming or the nicest guy Isak has ever met. Isak‘s not too offened though.  
“Is there not one hot girl? Not a single one?“ Mahdi then asked and even Jonas falls into Isak‘s back:  
“There has got to be someone...“ Now Isak has to start thinking, which isn‘t the best thing to do, judging the state he‘s in right now.  
“I could do all the girls in the first year.“ Isak doubts that.  
In that moment he remembers one of the girls.

“There‘s- there‘s one! Listen to me. One. Short, dark hair. Don‘t know her name yet. But I‘ve seen her.“ And he remembers her. For one reason and that reason only.  
“And she‘s hot. Yup.“ Not really.  
At least the boys believe him and agree with him:  
“Yeah, she‘s pretty. I‘ve seen her.“  
“Yeah, the one that looks like Natalie Portman, right?“ That‘s not who Isak thought of, but it works.  
“Exactly, exactly, exactly!“  
“She really does.“  
“That‘s my girl.“ Or not.  
His friends - really great friends - don‘t agree either. They tell him he doesn‘t have a chance which is followed by him insisting on having one. It‘s not like he cares about her anyway. Bringing them to let him take their stash is a little easier, although he doesn‘t know why he offered to take it. Their conversation is interrupted by someone opening the door. A girl comes inside and starts to pee. None of them care.  
However just a few seconds after that the door opens again and in comes another girl. And well... Isak‘s fucked.  
“It‘s your girl.“ Thanks Magnus for pointing that out.  
Normally Isak wouldn‘t care about either of them, but he‘s with the boys right now. He has to pretend. If it weren‘t for Magnus he might have even gotten away without saying anything but that guy had to talk to the girl. Magnus is successfully ignored by the girl but that doesn‘t mean Isak‘s out of what ever this is.  
“Good luck, Isak.“ Isak might just have started to hate Magnus. Knowing what he is expected to do next, Isak thinks about his options for a seconds and then decides to pretend. He looks at the girl and he gets an idea. When he has to pretend he can have fun while doing so.  
“Do you know who you look like?“ The girls both looks at him and the brown haired one answers:  
“Yes.“ Why would she even know Isak‘s talking to her?  
Now Isak has two way of answering that. He could go for the one that seems to be more charming, the comparison Jonas had mentioned earlier or the one Isak likes. He takes the latter.  
“That little boy... from Stranger Things.“  
“What?!“ The boys - including Isak - burst out laughing but the girl doesn‘t take the joke so well. Isak tells himself he has to pretend, but also he wants to have a little fun.  
“You know... The little boy who‘s actually a girl. Eleven.“ The boys think it‘s funny, the girls don‘t:  
“This is so damn rude.“  
“No?“ Isak knows it is, but he doesn‘t care. He doesn‘t care about that girl. But he has to pretend, so he does:  
“She‘s cute. If you‘re turned on by 13-year-old boys.“ Well that try to save the conversation didn‘t go so well...  
“What?“  
“I‘m just kidding with you.“ Maybe he can save this after all. “Like, seriously. I was just kidding. I‘m sorry.“ He‘s not. “My name‘s Isak. What‘s yours?“ Less than a minute later he‘s kissing her.  
“Good job, Isak.“ He hears before he‘s alone with the girl - Emma, he now knows.

The thing about kissing girls is Isak doesn‘t think it‘s disgusting. He doesn‘t dislike it. He doesn‘t feel anything while doing it. There is no reason for him to do it. So the first thing he has in his mind when he‘s alone with Emma is: 'How do I get her away from me?‘  
Emma seems to have something else in mind. She kisses her way downwards and Isak has to stop her. Only because his mind his okay enough with him pretending to be into girls to flirt with them and kiss them, doesn‘t mean his body is okay enough with pretneding to do more than that.  
When Emma comes back up to kiss him on the lips again, he‘s fine, but then she‘s on the way down again. He has to get her off of him. Now.  
He succeeds in that - thanks to her friend - and in case he hurt her feelings he doesn‘t care. For a little while he stays in the bathroom to calm down and settle his thoughts.  
He shouldn‘t have gone so far. He wouldn‘t have done it if it wasn‘t for that one thing. This one thing he saw shortly after he arrived at the party.  
After all this months and all this times he should be used to see Eva and Chris kiss, but it still hurts. Isak likes to tell himself he‘s over Chris, but deep down he knows he‘s not. He hates himself for it, but he can‘t deal with seeing him kissing Eva. Eva of all people. He tries to get them out of his mind. It takes a while but it eventually works.  
He then goes downstairs, where the party mainly takes place.  
He literally just came downstairs when Vilde comes up to him.  
“Have you seen Eva?“  
“No.“ Well not since-  
He can‘t think about the kiss, because he spots something way more important right now. Police officers. The police is here and Isak has 1000 kroner in drugs on him. He‘s fucked. He has to get rid of them.  
He ends up putting them in a vase. After that he just wants to leave, but - of course - he is stopped by the police on his way outside. The party ends a little bit interesting for him, since he lies to the police officer and then runs away from her. In the moment he jumps behind Jonas on his bike he feels a bit of adranaline rushing through his veins. It‘s exciting but also funny, so the two of them just laugh for the ride.

The next morning - or the same day, just a little bit later - when he wakes up it‘s not even 12. He‘s still wearing the shirt he wore at the party, a shirt he‘s pretty sure isn‘t his own, but belongs to Eskild. He found it in his room though and it was clean, so he decided to wear it. By the time he arrived home he was too tired to change - or take it off - so he slept in it.  
He put off his jeans though - mostly because it‘s more comfortable that way - which means he has to get them to also get his phone. Not-so-sober-Isak isn‘t one who cahrges his phone but keeps it in his pockets.  
Jonas texted him a few times, his mother texted him as well and he has a new friend‘s request on facebook.  
Firstly he opens the text from his mother, because he knows what to expect from it. A while ago she started to send him verses out of the bible, by now Isak doesn‘t bother reading all of them.  
Next is his chat with Jonas.

_You still have our stash?_   
_call me when you wake up the police found some greens at Eva‘s place last night and she‘s pissed thinks it‘s mine_

Isak tries calling Jonas, but he can‘t reach him.

_answer your phone. Sorry had to hide it at Eva‘s but it couldn‘t have been what the police found I hid it really well. I promise I‘ll fix it. call me._

Maybe a vase wasn‘t the best place to hide something in the world, but there are worse places to do so. He has no time to think about it though, since someone - Eskild obviously - burts into his room without knocking.  
“Hey! He‘s awake.“ Not only Eskild but also Linn stand in Isak‘s door.  
“With his morningbread. Straight up. Look at this.“ Eskild holds his phone in his hand, obviously talking to someone. When he turns his phone around, the screen now facing Isak, he recognizes Noora on it.  
“The devil‘s cave is what I call it. Should we say hello?“ No.  
“Hello. Good morning.“ Now both Eskild and Linn come up to his bed and lay down next to him. Suddenly he became the middle of a roommate sandwich and he doesn‘t like it.  
“Did you sleep well? Say hi.“ Typical Eskild, he doesn‘t even give Isak the chance to answer his question. Instead he - and Linn - lean their heads against his, so Noora can see all of them.  
He‘s never been close to Noora, so he‘s not so excited to see her on Eskild‘s phone screen, other than his roommates. He‘d really like to throw them out but that would mean he has to argue with them and maybe even get up, so he doesn‘t. He‘s not interested in what Noora‘s doing or how she is really, in contrary. He is glad she moved to London. Noora moving to London meant Isak was able to move into her room in the flat and had a place to sleep that‘s not his room with his mother. When he was offered to move in with Eskild and Linn he agreed and then told his father he was moving out and needed him to pay his rent.  
The phone talk they had wasn‘t the best Isak has ever had, but in the end it worked out. In the beginning his father wanted him to stay with his mother, even said:  
“You know she‘s not well. You can‘t leave her all alone. Mamma needs you.“ That made Isak angry. Who was his father to say something like that? His response to that made his father agree on Isak moving out.  
“I can‘t leave her alone? If you think she can‘t be alone, then move back in with her. You don‘t get to run away and leave me alone with her, although you know how she is! I can‘t look after her. I‘m her child, not her nurse.“ And that was that. Isak officially moved out and his phone was the only way his mother and he communicated. Isak liked it like that. No more crazy things happenening - except for the texts.  
However that is nothing compared to other things.  
Isak remembers coming home one day, some time after he stayed with Jonas for a couple of days, where he found a picture of a man that shouldn‘t hang there. The day went pretty good so far, he spent it with Jonas doing nothing and then he came home.  
“Why is there a photo of Donald Trump?“ Isak aksed his mother, who was sitting on the couch in the living room.  
“What do you mean why? I can have a photo of your uncle hanging here, can‘t I?“ That was one of the many little moments Isak had to calm himself down, so he wouldn‘t snap. He doesn‘t miss moments like these.

By the time he left his home to move into Noora‘s old room, he thought his life could become good now. He thought - maybe - he had a chance to be happy again. Then he went to the first party after moving out and say Chris hooking up with Eva. It‘s been months since he last spoke to Chris and seeing him making out with Eva still hurts. Isak isn‘t sure what‘s between them, but, judging by how often they hook up, it‘s more than just kissing. He thought he‘d be over it by now, if anyone knew, they would expect him to be over Chris now, however Isak still gets hurt whenever he sees Eva and Chris together. It shouldn‘t hurt, but he can‘t change his feelings. Knowing Chris doesn‘t care about him makes it even worse.  
Thinking about Eva, he remembers the stash he hid at her place. He has to contact her and find a reason to go there to get it without Eva realizing it. Right now Eva‘s the last person he wants to see, so he doesn‘t text her immediately.  
Some time passes until he texts her. He tries not to think about what she doing in that moment. What if she‘s with Chris?  
He texts her anyway. She‘s not with Chris. She‘s with Vilde, who seems to be a little too interested in Isak‘s private life. He mentions a sweater he forgot at Eva‘s place - sounds better than the truth and he won‘t get Jonas in trouble - but he doesn‘t get an answer.  
What if Chris was with her after all? Or what if he showed up there and that‘s why she‘s not answering anymore?  
Isak doesn‘t want to think about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I‘ve finished that the day after I‘ve finished the chapter before, so I had another chapter before uploading the other.  
> We‘re in season 3 now... You know what that means? Right, I‘m really scared about writing this story now... I‘m not even sure how to write about this season, since there are so many conversations that I can‘t write down word for word. I guess, the most important stuff will be here, but I won‘t write down every word ( just like I didn‘t in this chapter)...  
> We‘ll see how this turns out. Of course, I have certain things in mind that I‘ll write, anyway I‘m not sure how all of this‘ll turn out.  
> Well, while watching the episodes I‘ll see what I‘m able to leave out...  
> Hope you liked this chapter...  
> The next one is finished, however I want to finish the one after, before posting the next. But I‘ll try to post a new chapter every week... We‘ll see how long I‘ll keep that up...


End file.
